


"The Adventures of Captain Yaten" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: Just when you thought Disney had scuttled the pirate genre back into the briny deep for another decade or so, along comes the Sailor Starli... sorry, CAPTAIN Yaten and his well-groomed crew of ne'er-do-wells who burn down a village and kidnap the senshi, only they're not senshi, to act as their personal maid service. All of this takes place in 17th century... Japan? England? America? I dunno. Oh, and Usagi's cooking sucks. That is all.





	1. Chapter 1

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 46: THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN YATEN PT. 1

(A Sailor Moon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be  
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.  
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just  
covering our collective asses here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"The Adventures of Captain Yaten" is the property of My Interests.  
We attempted to contact her by e-mail but there was no reply and  
we sincerely hope she does not take offense to this MSTing of  
her work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p

Warning: This MSTing is rated PG-13 for violence, coarse language  
and mature content.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"'George Lopez' or 'According to Jim'"? Crow T. Robot inquired.

"Oh please! I wouldn't watch 'According to Jim' even if it had  
full frontal nudity!" Tom Servo snapped.

"'Home Improvement' or 'Family Matters'"?

"Ugh... is killing myself an option? Okay, okay,  
uhhh... 'Family Matters'. Four minutes of Tool Time isn't worth  
eighteen minutes of Jill the shrill, the children of the corn and  
Ol' Fence Face advising Comical Caveman."

Joel Robinson suddenly leaned into the camera's view. "Hey  
everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love! As you've probably  
guessed, Crow and Tom are killing some time before this week's  
experiment..."

"'Star Trek: Voyager' or 'Sliders'..."

"Oh, that's easy! Sli..."

"...after John Rhys-Davis left the show."

"Aw, crap... uhhh... I dunno..."

"Come on, pick one already."

"All right, uhh... 'Star Trek: Voyager', I guess."

"Really? You'd take Kate Mulgrew OVER Kari Wuhrer!?" Crow  
exclaimed.

"No, but I'll take Googly Eyes in a skin tight body suit over Jerry  
O'Connell's bigger, dumber brother any day." Tom replied.

Crow nodded. "Fair enough. Now it's going to get  
tougher... 'The Series Finale of Seinfeld' or..."

"Seinfeld loses... or wins, depending on the question." Tom  
bluntly interrupted.

"'That was quick. Law and Order: Criminal Intent' or..."

"Crow, I would rather watch 'Cop Rock' than put up with  
one minute of the sultan of smug, the prince of pretentious, the  
emperor of ego that IS Vincent D'Onofrio!"

"Jealous, Servo?" Crow teased.

"Oops, look alive guys, Strong Bad and The Cheat are prank  
calling us..." Joel exclaimed as he noticed the red light on the counter  
flashing and gave it a slap.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Doctor Mad! Dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah! Doctor Mad!"  
TV's Frank sang off-screen as Dr. Clayton Forrester approached the  
viewscreen.

"Thank you, Frank. And greetings to you, Sex, Lies and  
Videotape! I'm in a generous mood today and thus I've decided to  
treat myself to first dibs on the invention exchange. Drive her on in,  
Frankie..."

Dr. Forrester stepped back as Frank drove his Dodge Charger into  
the laboratory. As Frank put the car in park, Dr. Forrester stuck his  
head into the car window and gestured at the radio.

"Has this ever happened to you? You're stuck in rush hour  
traffic with only your radio for company. So you scan for a song  
you like or at least can tolerate..." 

Frank frantically played with the radio knobs until the mellow  
tones of a classic 80s tune filled the car.

"Finally, you find such a song and breath a sigh of relief... only  
to have an announcer or obnoxious commercial rudely interrupt, because  
YOU had the bad luck to catch the song at its tail end. Then the next  
song they play sucks, causing you to swear in frustration as you  
resume scanning..."

"Now imagine a device, secretly implemented into car radios the  
world over, that will automatically cut into ANY song played on your  
radio for longer than ten to forty-five seconds... the timer is  
random, you see, keeps the driver guessing and better maximizes the  
increase in blood pressure and road rage..." 

Frank pantomimed hitting the steering wheel and clawing the air  
in frustration. Then he made several angry gestures at the phantom  
cars behind and ahead of him before finally slamming his head down  
on the car horn, pretending to sob.

"And for all you smart-asses out there screaming 'Why can't I just  
use the personal media player that comes with the car instead!?', I've  
personally taken care of that too..."

"EEYEOW!!" Frank screamed as he yanked his smoldering finger back  
from the CD button on his radio. "Hey, you told me you disengaged the  
static shock system!" Frank whined as he placed his finger in his  
mouth.

"And you believed me. That's why I like you, Frank." Dr.  
Forrester smiled as he mockingly and affectionately tapped Frank's  
chin with his fist.

"Oooh, I'll show you! I can always sing the songs myself!"  
Frank shot back as he took a deep breath. "WE WERE BORN TO  
BE... ALIIIIIVE!! WE WERE BORN TO BE... ALIIII..." Frank's  
voice was muted as Dr. Forrester pulled back from the car with a  
scowl, took a remote control from his coat pocket and rolled up the  
power windows.

"Heh, well, some drivers may be more stubborn than others..."  
Dr. Forrester shrugged. "Anyway, Joel, let's see the withered fruit  
of your labour..."

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Funny you should mention fruit, sirs, that's the basis of my  
invention this week. And here to help me, is my lovely assistant, Tom  
Servo!" Joel exclaimed as Cambot pulled back to reveal Tom with a  
tangerine resting in his bubble dome head.

"Just get on with it, Joel Offer, I can't do this all day." Tom  
muttered.

Joel gestured at the tangerine. "Have you ever bought some  
slightly unripe fruit with limited time to enjoy it but you got  
caught up in other stuff and by the time you're ready to eat  
it, it's too late? Well now, thanks to a new subroutine I've  
installed in Tom, he can tell me the exact moment when a fruit  
is at perfect ripeness to enjoy! How much longer, Tom?" 

"Yep, it should be... oh no, wait, wait... not yet... nope."  
Tom replied as Joel clenched and unclenched his hand impatiently  
above Tom's head.

"Well, how much longer?" An annoyed Joel asked.

"Not long... okay, nnnnnnnnnope, not yet. And nnnnnnnnnnnope,  
still ripening... still ripening... still... yep, still ripening..."  
Tom repeated in a monotone.

"Tom, you wouldn't be ribbing your creator, would you?" Joel  
frowned.

"Joel, please, it's done when its done. Show some patience,  
already." Tom replied with a huff. "It's nearly, nearly, nearly  
close to being done real soon now..."

"Uh-huh, would the threat of a loadpan cleaning speed up the  
process any?" Joel asked ominously as he dropped his hand down  
to land heavily on top of Tom's head.

"Ding! Your fruit is now at optimal ripeness, sir!" Tom  
replied immediately.

"All right!" Joel grinned as he popped open Tom's bubbledome  
cap and reached inside for the tangerine. After peeling it, he took a  
bite and closed his eyes. "Mmmmm... oh my darling, clementine..."

"Hey Joel, I've got some fruit I'd like Tom to test out." Crow  
exclaimed as he strolled onto the bridge.

"Knock yourself out." Joel replied with a mouthful of tangerine  
as Crow walked over to Tom and dropped something with a squishy  
plop into Tom's head.

"AUUUGH! W-What the hell!? CROW!!" Tom roared.

"What? It's just a banana. So, is it ripe yet?" Crow replied  
innocently.

"Are you kidding!? It's black and oozing and, oh yuck, it's  
dripping into my neck hole! Gross!!" Tom sputtered.

"Great! It's perfect for making Banana Bread with then! Thanks  
for confirming it, Ser... WHOA!" Crow suddenly fled with an enraged  
Tom in hot pursuit. Joel stared after them for a moment before  
shrugging and taking another bite of his tangerine. 

"What'da think, sirs?"

* * *

DEEP 13

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not  
to put it in a fruit salad." Dr. Forrester replied as he pushed up  
his glasses. 

"Zen." Joel nodded.

"Mandarin Buffet, actually. But enough food for thought, it's  
time to get cooking, mama-jama! This week's experiment shake n' bakes  
the cast of Sailor Moon with a bag of hair until they're one big  
sticky, goofy mess that serves six! Now throw in a pirate theme, hold  
the canon, and voila! Tuesday taste, Sunday effort!" Dr. Forrester  
exclaimed with an evil grin.

"Yarr Har Har... so ye best be preparin' yerselves for a tale of  
heartburning malice and EEEEEVIL hairplugs! It's 'The  
Adventures of Captain Yaten'... make 'em walk the plank, Frank..."

There was a moment of silence as Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes.  
"Right, I almost forgot." He walked over to the file cabinet and  
picked up the fanfic lying on top of it. Meanwhile, Frank was  
still singing up a foggy storm in his car, oblivious to the world.

"Yeah, we'll see how long you can keep it up, Frank, I took the  
liberty of removing the Archie comic this time..." Dr. Forrester  
muttered to himself as he fed the fanfic into the console.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Geez, Crow, you really gunked him up." Joel muttered as Tom  
Servo lay on the countertop in a half-dozen pieces. Joel was  
currently wiping Tom's bubbledome with a wet cloth.

"I said I was sorry! Besides, you can both have some of my  
banana bread when its done." Crow replied.

"You know where you can stick YOUR piece." Tom's jaw growled  
from the other side of the counter.

"Calm down, Tom, I'm almost done." Joel admonished as he  
finished wiping and quickly reassembled the robot just before  
multicolored lights flashed and alarms began to wail.

"Cool, my banana bread is done!" Crow exclaimed.

"No, it's not! It's FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.

 

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything,  
it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for  
you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch  
as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you  
step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for  
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it  
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the  
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater  
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>Fan Fic by: My Interests

Joel: Free Time courtesy of My Lack of Hobbies.

Tom: So Pina Coladas and Moonlight Walks Along The Beach  
wrote this. Got it.

 

>Sailor Moon Disclaimer: Duh, I do not own the rights to Sailor  
>Moon- nor will I ever. 

Joel: [author] I'll be content with a million dollars ransom for  
her safe return..

 

>I am just a wild dreamer. ^_~

Crow: She often finds herself lost in the mall FULLY CLOTHED!

 

>Story description: Some evil Pirates attack a village that happens to  
>have some beautiful maidens in it. What happens when they kidnap  
>these maidens and take them out to sea?

Tom: It either ends in Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball... or someone  
talking to Wilson.

 

>S/U, Y/M, T/A- hee hee - no sailor senshi in this story.

Tom: T/A? Does that mean this pirate fic is rated... Arrrrrrr?

Crow: Oh, wow, no senshi in a Sailor Moon fanfic? That's fucking  
REVOLUTIONARY!

 

>Chapter 1; The Attack!

All: (singing) ...of the Killer TO-MA-TOES...!

 

>The story takes place in the 1700's.

Joel: Back when men were poofy and women were... also poofy.

Tom: The War of the Senshi Succession.

 

>A beautiful girl runs down the street of her village. She stops and  
>waves at one of her neighbors.

Crow: As narrated by Voltaire.

Joel: (beautiful girl) Help me, I'm being chased by slavers!

Tom: (neighbour) And a glorious morning to you as well, m'dear!

 

>She wore her beautiful blond hair up in two buns letting the hair from  
>her buns fall freely below. Her smile would light up anyone's day.

Crow: Yes, it's Princess Leia: The Musical!

 

>She had big blue eyes, and she wore a brown dress with an apron. She  
>was known as the village klutz though. Her name: Tsukino Usagi.

Joel: We'll be back to "Super Bloopers and Practical Jokes" after  
these messages.

 

>She rushed off towards her destination. A grocery store. She needed  
>to get some items for dinner that she had forgotten to buy. 

Crow: Oh great, another Centron short.

 

>She was 20 years old now, and she lived in her own cabin with her  
>cousin, Aino Minako. 

Tom: Made of Lincoln Logs! Don't sneeze, Usagi!

 

>She peeked her head into the store and saw the store owner stocking  
>the shelves. He turned to smile at her. "Hello, Tsukino-kun!"

Joel: (Store Owner) 'Ello! We've got some fresh filth in t'day!

Crow: (Tsukino) Giveth me some meat pie wi'hout so much rat  
innit! How's the mead today?

Joel: (Store Owner) 'bout the same as t'was a month ago.

 

>Usagi walked in to the store. "Hello Chiba-kun!" She waved to Chiba  
>Mamoru. He had black hair, blue eyes and wore his normal shop  
>uniform.

Tom: A garish pink "Hello Kitty" sports bra and hot pants.

Crow: (Mamoru) Irrashai~!

 

>She looked at a shelf and picked up some flower. She glanced at the  
>tall dark haired man. She always thought he was good looking,  
>however, he was not too nice. 

Joel: (Mamoru) You moron, you can't bake with flower!

 

>She put the flower in her basket and walked over to the next isle. She  
>saw some cloth that was used for babies' diapers.

Crow: Then she wheeled the shopping cart to the tampon aisle.

 

>She touched the soft fabric and smiled softly. She couldn't wait to  
>find a true love and have children. 

Joel: Is this an episode of 'Little House on the Prairie'?

Tom: Can't be, no one's died yet.

 

>She looked over to the left of the diapers and saw some other things  
>she needed.

Crow: Cosmopolitan, People Magazine, the latest Archie Digest,  
of course...

Tom: We're having a sale on clues, maybe you should buy one?

 

>She then walked over to the cash register and waited for Mamoru. He  
>came over a few minutes later.  
>  
>"Is this all, Tsukino-kun?" He bagged her groceries.

Crow: (Mamoru) Paper, plastic, or sheepskin?

Joel: (Tsukino) You take 'Discover', right?

Tom: I think this has passed the "creative anachronism" phase into  
the Dr. Who memorial "outright assaults on time".

 

>Usagi nodded her head. She then pulled out some money.  
>  
>"Don't worry about paying, um, how about letting me take you out on a  
>date?" He asked as he handed her the groceries.

Crow: "My Super Sweet 1600s".

Joel: At this point, I'm just waiting for Doc Brown to walk in.

Tom: That's great, maybe he can tell us which Earth this is really  
taking place on.

Joel: Has the chalkboard been invented yet?

Tom: Does it matter??

 

>Usagi blushed. "When and where?"  
>  
>He considered for a minute. "I'll pick you up at your place tonight."

Joel: [Usagi] Aren't you picking me up right now?

Crow: [Mamoru] Then I'll put you on my shoulders, it's a  
weird kink, I know, but go with it.

 

>Usagi nodded in agreement and took the groceries. She quickly left  
>the store and started to walk on home. She smiled to herself, knowing  
>that the store owner is a good catch.

Tom: Yeah, Mamoru's a regular Moby Dick all right.

 

>She couldn't wait until that night.  
>  
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~

Tom: [George Constanza] The scene change was angry that day,  
my friends...

 

>Usagi tasted the food she was cooking for dinner. Sadly, it tasted  
>horrible. 

Crow: [Usagi] So much for the best meat being in the rump.

Tom: Next time, make sure you completely thaw the ottoman before  
basting.

 

>She lowered her head and sighed. "How can I ever get a husband if my  
>cooking tastes so awful?"

Joel: [Usagi] I know, I'll have him take up smoking, then he won't  
taste a thing!

 

>Minako walked into the room. She smiled kindly at her older cousin.  
>"How's it coming?"  
>  
>Usagi tossed the big wooden spoon into the pot and walked away  
>from it.

Crow: [Usagi] I keep stirring the water but it just won't boil!

 

>"It's horrid. What did you expect?" She sighed and picked up a dress.  
>It was maroon and the fabric was soft. It went all the way up her  
>neck and the dress went down to the floor. It had long sleeves.

Joel: It also covered the windows when tied to the wall.

Crow: [Usagi] Bibbity Boppity Bunk.

 

>Minako smiled at her cousin. "A date?"  
>  
>Uasagi looked at her and nodded proudly. "The store owner."

Joel: [Minako] The dollar store owner? You mean that Asian dude?

Crow: [Usagi] Like I'd be caught dead with an Asian dude.

 

>Minako got up and walked over to the window, viewing the sunset. "I  
>would love to marry a pirate!" She giggled and looked back at a  
>shocked Usagi. 

Crow: [Usagi] Just last week, you said you wanted to marry a brewer!

Joel: [Minako] That was before the hangove... honeymoon!

 

>"They are so full of adventure, and I know I would be rich." She  
>giggled at Usagi. "Don't worry, Pirates are never around."

Tom: Until they play the home stand against the Mets.

 

>Usagi nodded slowly and walked to her room. She closed the door  
>behind her and started to get dressed.

Tom: Wait! She was NUDE until now!? You have to TELL us these  
things in advance, fanfic!

Joel: Pirates must've made off with her bodice.

Crow: Not to mention the plot.

 

>Minako went over to the pot and tested how the stew really tasted.  
>She stuck out her tongue in disgust. "Man, she is a terrible cook!  
>Better marry a very rich man! YUCK!"

Tom: To recap: Usagi sucks at cooking. Now this.

Crow: Is this a premiere for YET ANOTHER Chef Ramsay show?

 

>Minako started putting spices into the stew and tried to work with it  
>when she heard a nock at the door. She stopped what she was doing  
>and got up.

Tom: The archer outside nocked another arrow and waited silently.

 

>She wiped her hands on her apron and opened the door.

Joel: [Minako] Every time there's a Mel Brooks movie, he burns down  
our village!

 

>"Hello Miss. Is Tsukino-kun in?" The tall dark haired gentleman  
>asked.  
>  
>Minako stared at him for a minute, debating if she should warn him to  
>run for his life.

Tom: Poor Clark Gable...

Crow: She finally settled for humming the theme to 'Jeopardy'.

 

>She decided against it and opened the door. He walked in to the  
>house.  
>  
>"She will be out shortly." Minako said as she closed the door.

Tom: (chuckling) I'm guessing *the door* knows the director  
personally?

Joel: She must be putting on her fifth dress. It's a bit chilly  
outside.

 

>Minako looked a lot like her cousin. However, Minako had her hair  
>done up different and her hair was much shorter.  
>  
>Mamoru sat down in front of the fireplace. He noted the pot and  
>pointed at it. "Are you cooking dinner?"

Crow: [Minako] The longer it's in the fire, the less it screams.

 

>Minako smiled and let out a little giggle. " Usagi is."  
>  
>He raised an eyebrow and then asked, "Should we stay here then?"  
>  
>Minako shook her head. `You want to live to see tomorrow?!?' She  
>thought.

Tom: Come on, if her cooking's THAT bad, wouldn't the smell tip  
him off?

 

>"Oh no, this meal is um… for my parents who are coming by tonight!"  
>Minako lied. She shot a glance towards the door. `Hurry up!' She  
>smiled at Mamoru. "What are your hobbies?"

Joel: [Mamoru] Collecting stamps, writing programs in C++ and  
clubbing baby seals.

 

>Mamoru opened his mouth but nothing came out as right that second,  
>Usagi came out in her beautiful dress.

Tom: [Usagi] I look almost like a Disney princess!!

Crow: [Mamoru] Wrong crossover.

 

>She smiled at him and turned around in a complete circle. "Do you  
>like?"  
>  
>Mamoru didn't speak. He just kept his mouth wide open in awe.

Joel: [Mamoru] Can... can I wear it after you're done??

 

>Minako elbowed him, "You're catching flies!"  
>  
>He regained himself and cleared his throat. "You look simply  
>ravishing."

Tom: [Usagi as Ravishing Rick Rude] What I'd like to have  
right now... is for all you fat, out of shape, Shikoku  
sweathogs...

 

>Usagi blushed. "Thank you. Shall we go?"  
>  
>He smiled and got up. "We shall."  
>  
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~

Joel: [Mamoru] ddDdaammmnnn Th-th-thes-s-s-e POTHOLES!

 

>Mizuno Ami sat on her front porch reading a book. She had a lantern  
>by her side, giving her light. 

Crow: As opposed to giving her candy.

 

>She loved reading in the dark. It helped her think more.

Tom: Especially considering all the guessing she had to do about  
what was on the DARK PAGE.

Crow: Are we going to be seeing Scooby Doo in about three paragraphs?

Joel: [Ami] Hmm, how can I remove all these bugs swarming around  
my head?

 

>Her hair was short, and it shaped her face. It was blue along with  
>her eyes. She looked up to see a happy couple walking past her home.  
>The girl had long blonde hair and the guy had short black hair. She  
>sighed and went back to her book. 

Joel: [Ami] Millionaire by age 25, millionaire by age 25... Focus,  
Ami, focus!

Crow: [Ami] Hey, check it out! If I close my eyes, the words are  
just as visible!

 

>Even though no one in the village knew, she wanted to find love as  
>well. Everyone assumed that since she was the village doctor she  
>was too busy to ever find love. She flipped a page in her book. She  
>hopped that she could one day find love.

Tom: Undaunted, she turned the next page on "New Moon".

Crow: [Ami] Wait, there's nothing here.

 

>She heard some noise and looked ahead. She couldn't see anything.

Joel: [Ami] USE TORCH_

Tom: [Ami] How the [censored bleep] did I end up in Silent Hill!?

 

>Her cabin was by the ocean shore, and she would not venture to close  
>to the waters at this hour. She picked up her lantern and squinted  
>her eyes to see anything. That is when she saw it. 

Crow: Her lantern, and little else.

Joel: [Ami] When will they get around to inventing radial keratotomy?

 

>A ship was docking. Not just any old ship. She saw a skull and  
>crossbones symbol on a flag the ship had. A pirate ship!

Tom: [LeChuck] Could ye direct me to Mêlée island? I'm late for a  
weddin'.

 

>She quickly blew out her lantern and picked up her dress. She ran  
>like mad towards the village. 

Joel: Ami is an odd little duck, isn't she?

Tom: So she reads books in the dark and NAKED??

Crow: That's fine, it's how Stephen King writes 'em.

 

>"PIRATES!!" She screamed as she rushed to the village's alert bell.  
>She rang it with all of her strength. "PIRATES!"

Crow: Lock up your women and registered trademarks!

Joel: I think the townspeople will be more interested in the naked  
lady ringing the bell.

 

>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~

Tom: One of these days, we really should download the scene change  
language pack.

 

>Minako stood over the pot, holding a wooden spoon by her face. Her  
>eyes watering from all of the spices she had put into the pot. "It's  
>worse now than before!" She began to spit out fire.

Crow: Pirates? Naah, let's get the focus off of them and onto some  
hot cooking action!

 

>She tossed the spoon to the side and tossed herself onto the  
>sofa. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes.

Joel: Sofa? Lemme guess, it faces the 45" flatscreen with DVR.

 

>Suddenly, her door burst open. A man stood in the doorway holding a  
>lit torch. " Arrh!" He said as he began to set her cabin on fire.

Crow: You have to admit, he makes a convincing argument.

Tom: Wow, the officials of this town get pissed if you don't pay  
your property tax.

Joel: [Minako] Frankenstein is three cabins down, you idiot!

 

>Minako hid behind the sofa. Hiding from the terrifying man. Her was  
>huge and muscular. He had a beard and one eye was missing. She held  
>her breath as the man walked around the cabin.

Joel: [Minako] No, don't torch the sofa! I just had it Scotchgarded!

Crow: [Pirate] PACKERS! WOOOO!!

 

>He then checked out one of the rooms, Usagi's and her bedroom, and  
>then left.

Joel: Is this fanfic hosted by Monty Hall?

Tom: Talk about a lousy pirate, he missed the booty entirely!

 

>Minako let out some air. 

Crow: [Minako] Whoa, the flames turned blue for a second! Cool!

 

>She quickly got up and saw that the fire was burning out of  
>control. She started to rush out the front door when she heard  
>something.

Tom: Her cellphone was ringing!

Crow: (whispering) If you build it, they will come...

 

>She turned around to see one of the windows smashed in and a white  
>haired man jumped through it. He stood up strait and grinned at her.

Joel: It's Action Joe Biden! With his action hair plugs!

Tom: So are pirates naturally flame resistant or just plain stupid?

 

>Minako did the first thing that came to her mind. She grabbed the  
>huge pot of yuck from the fire and threw the contents at the pirate.  
>The Pirate screamed and she then threw the pot at him.

Joel: [Minako] This should mellow you out, man.

Crow: Then she threw the fire at him!

Tom: I almost wonder if she can transform, but I'm half-afraid it  
could pull some Visigoths into the whirling time vortex.

 

>She picked up her dress and rushed out the door.

Crow: If only my dates were so considerate.

 

>She heard screams all around her. She decided to run towards the  
>woods, as it would be the safest place for her.

Tom: Unless M. Night Shyamalan directs.

 

>As she ran, she could feel that someone was chasing her. She let out  
>a scream and tried to run even faster. She would not look back as she  
>knew that would slow her down.

Crow: Meanwhile, Sam Raimi chuckled as he pursued her with his  
motorcycle cam.

 

>She made it to the edge of the woods, and she began to climb through  
>them. She heard her dress tear, but that would not stop her.

Tom: As her garters started tearing, Minako cursed artistic license.

Joel: Less horror cliché than American Gladiator really.

 

>She did however stop when she felt something grab her from behind.  
>She let out a scream as she looked fearfully at what grabbed her.

Joel: [Arch Hall Jr.] Roxxxxxyyyy...!

 

>"Lets see how well you do with out a pot of boiling slush!" The white  
>haired man snarled to her.

Crow: [Minako] Okay, come back in a few months, I'll tell you how  
I'm doing.

 

>She looked into his beautiful green eyes. How could eyes so  
>beautiful, be that of a pirate?

Tom: But what about his obscenely thick beard, stinking of fish  
and grog...?

Joel: [Minako, clenching teeth] BEAUTIFUL... GREEN... EYES...

 

>She tried to get away, but couldn't. He was much too strong. She felt  
>her eyes fill up with tears. She watched as a smile formed on his  
>face. "You're mine!"

Crow: And by the way, you're stuck here.

Joel: I don't like this new direction Pokemon's taken.

 

>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~

Tom: God, I hope that's not an advertisement for Blair Witch 3.

 

>Usagi heard the alert bell. She looked up at Mamoru who let go of her  
>hand.

Crow: [Usagi] Damn, recess is over. Back to the piratey 'fic.

 

>"Hide, I will try to defend you and the village!" He rushed towards  
>his shop, leaving her alone.

Tom: [Mamoru] Oh, who am I kidding? I can't defend the village!  
It's a cinematic trainwreck!

Crow: Didn't we already *have* the Mel Brooks attack? What other  
threat could there possibly be?

Joel: Two dollars on the clean-cut Japanese boy!

 

>She looked around too see men starting to rush into their  
>village. She gasped. "MINAKO!" She picked up her dress and  
>started to run towards her cabin. 

Tom: Gee, I can't imagine why a gang of pirates would invade a  
nudist colony...

Joel: We've GOT to be in the middle of one of those National  
Geographic specials now.

 

>Her heart was beating super fast. "Minako, please be safe!" She heard  
>Minako scream. Her heart stopped. "MINAKO!"  
>  
>Usagi spotted a pipe and grabbed it. She rushed over to their cabin,  
>which was completely in flames. "MINAKO!" 

Crow: [Splinter] Hang on, Minako!

All: (starts humming the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

 

>She began to look all around her. She couldn't see any signs of her  
>cousin.  
>  
>"What is a pretty girl-" a man said behind her.

Tom: About 20 pieces of eight in Vera Cruz.

Crow: Ah, finally, a boss fight... with Alex Trebek.

 

>She swung the pipe wildly into the guy's stomach. He bent over in  
>pain when the pipe came into contact with his stomach and his long  
>black hair covered his face.

Joel: Now quick, grab the power up and finish him off with your  
blitz attack!

 

>Usagi began to run towards the woods. However, a white haired man  
>came out, caring Minako over his shoulder. He grinned at Usagi.

Tom: So THAT's how Bob Barker recruits his beauties!

 

>Usagi gasped and fell on her bottom.

Joel: Wouldn't a facefault be more appropriate?

Crow: Nah, buttfault is funnier! Hee hee!

 

>"MINAKO! You-" She quickly got up and tried to hit him with the pipe  
>she held. However, she couldn't budge it. She looked up to see the  
>other pirate that she had nailed earlier holding the other end of the  
>pipe.

Crow: Suddenly we're watching a Three Stooges sketch.

Tom: [Minako as Moe Howard] Let me have it! *CLANG* Ow!

 

>"Hey captain, can I keep this feisty little Odango?" The black haired  
>pirate asked the white haired pirate.

Joel: Pirate Vs. Pirate?

 

>"Sure, what ever. Now, lets get the goods!" Minako looked up and  
>gasped as the other pirate grabbed Usagi by the waist and tossed her  
>onto his shoulder. 

Tom: [Usagi] Check me out, I'm the first lady of wrestling!

Crow: A Button! A Button! C'mon, I want to do the suplex!

 

>Usagi began to kick and punch him. He wobbled while she did this,  
>however, he never let go of her.

Joel: No no, use your ceremonial salt! All Asians carry some, right?

Tom: She'd better Hulk up before he reaches the ship.

 

>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~

Crow: Sky rockets in flight... afternoon delight?

 

>Ami rushed to a wounded man. She tore a part of her dress and wrapped  
>it around his arm, which had a bullet in it. She tightened the cloth  
>on his arm, and he grunted in pain.

Tom: Another successful Dick Cheney quail hunt.

Crow: Sure it wasn't for snipe?

 

>Ami then started to get up as something hit her in the back of the  
>head. She fell on top of the man.

Joel: Poor Ami. Well, the man's gonna get you every time.

 

>Suddenly, Ami felt herself get lifted from the ground. She tried to  
>open her eyes, but couldn't.

Tom: She just KNOWS that schlock like this has to have at least one  
Keanu Reeves bumbling about.

 

>"Lets get you some place safe." She heard a gentle man's voice say.  
>  
>She smiled softly and then, she passed out.

Joel: When a vampire bites, you get another vampire. When a werewolf  
bites, you get another werewolf. When a pirate bites, you get... um...

Crow: Syphilis.

 

>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~

Tom: Depth Charges! DIVE! DIVE!!!

 

>A/N: Whew, the first chapter of a long crazy story. I know that you  
>all can guess whom the two pirates are that ran off with Usagi and  
>Minako.

Joel: Herman Toothrot and Largo LaGrande?

Tom: At least give me a hint... were they from Pittsburgh, Oakland,  
or Tampa Bay?

 

>How about Ami's hero? 

Crow: Too much mayo, not enough salami.

 

>Hee Hee… this should be one interesting story! You know the drill,  
>review!

Joel: No, we'll stick with the running commentary, thanks.

 

>Chapter 2; The Ship's prisoners

Crow: This almost makes me pine for the Ratliff-verse.

Tom: Almost.

 

>Minako groaned. She felt as if she was lying on a hard bed. She  
>started to pick up her arm,

Joel: [Minako as Astar] I am Minako. A robot. I can put my arm back on.  
You can't. So play safe!

 

>but suddenly was splashed by ice-cold salt water.

Crow: Then a splash of bitters, vodka, grenadine, and a Maraschino  
cherry.

 

>"AGH!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, as she was jolted out of her slumber.  
>  
>"WAKE UP!" A man's voice yelled.

Tom: [man] MAID SERVICE! COMPLIMENTARY TOWELS!

Crow: He'd best be careful, less she hit the snooze, if you get  
my drift...

Joel: So, is this the One Piece crossover we've all been not waiting  
for?

 

>Minako looked up to see the white haired pirate who had kidnapped  
>her. "Why I otta…"  
>  
>He smiled down at her and tossed the bucket to the side. "You otta  
>what?"

Tom: [Minako] We otta stop talking like cheap hoods from a  
gangster flick.

 

>Minako started to get up but she felt something restraining her. She  
>looked up to see that she was hand cuffed to the ship. "Oh just  
>dandy…" She groaned.

Crow: [Minako] Unless I'm Jackie Chan, I'm pretty much screwed.

 

>"Don't worry, we're out to sea now, I will release you from those  
>hand cuffs." She looked up at him in shock. Was he being nice?

Joel: [Pirate] ...and place this iron ball on a chain around your  
ankle.

Crow: [Minako] D'oh!

 

>He leaned over her and un-cuffed her hand. "Well, now that you are my  
>prisoner, you have some chores to do!" Minako glared at him.

Tom: [Minako] If any of the next fifteen words you say is  
"poopdeck", I'm kicking you in the crotch.

 

>"Like the hell I will!" She yelled.  
>  
>The captain smiled at her, amused.

Crow: Legally Blond 3: At Wits End.

 

>"Rei will be giving you your chores."  
>  
>Minako stood up and kicked at him. 

Joel: [Minako] Hi-Keeba!

Crow: Arr, I didn't say "poopdeck!"

 

>The captain turned his back on her and laughed. "You know, you better  
>straiten up your act soon or you will walk the plank."

Tom: Then you'll really be in dire straights!

Joel: BINGO! I've got pillaging, boats, the free spot, clichéd  
language.. and walking the plank!

 

>Minako glared at him. She felt powerless. There was nothing in that  
>room that she could throw at him.

Crow: So she settled for a half-dozen curses.

Tom: Except herself... oh, wait, that's another cliché.

 

>"Common Odango, time to give you your assignment!"  
>  
>"MY NAME IS USAGI! U-SA-G I! NOT ODANGO!!!"

Joel: We just witnessed a drive-by shooting of the Japanese  
language.

Crow: As always, should you or any of your senshi be caught or  
killed, the author will disavow any knowledge of your powers.

 

>Minako perked up. Usagi! She rushed up the stairs to see her cousin  
>yelling at the black haired pirate. "USAGI!"

Crow: [Usagi] See? SEE!? She knows my name!

Tom: [black haired pirate] At least you HAVE a name! We're all  
just different colors of hair! HAIR!!! (sobbing)

 

>"MINAKO!" They ran to each other and hugged.  
>  
>"How sweet… a reuniting!" The black haired pirate cooed.

Joel: Yeah, wow, they've been separated what? Two whole hours?

 

>Usagi took off her shoe and threw it at him.  
>  
>It hit him square in the head.  
>  
>"HEY! Not nice!"

Tom: (laughs) Pirates by day, steel mill workers by night.

Crow: [Minako] Why didn't I think of that??

 

>Usagi spat out her tongue 

Joel: [Minako] Holy crap! You're the Grudge! I mean, Ju-on!  
I mean... AHHHHHHH!!!

 

>and started to run to the edge of the boat with Minako. They both  
>gasped horrified, as they could not see land for miles.

Tom: Maybe they should just hang out on the Lido Deck with  
Gopher then.

 

>They slumped their shoulders as the black haired pirate put his arms  
>around both of them. "SIGH, isn't the ocean grand?"

Joel: Until it gets in your nose. Blecch.

Crow: Who says a pirate can't be a playa?

 

>Usagi punched his chin from underneath. "I hate it."

Tom: Too bad he didn't have any teeth left to shatter.

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Crow: (sarcastically) Yes, truly that ocean is the grandest of all.

(Joel lightly lands an uppercut to Crow's chin.)

Joel: I hate it.

Crow: Ow, hey!

 

>Ami opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times, allowing her eyes  
>to focus.

Tom: Then she decided, "Can't let THAT happen," and screwed her  
eyes shut.

Crow: [Ami] Ohh, what a nightmare... I dreamed I was attending this  
chess tournament in Canada... CANADA! (sobbing)

 

>"Are you alright?"  
>  
>Ami gasped and sat strait up. She shook her head and looked at the  
>guy.

Joel: [Mamoru] The last girl I kissed was abducted. Come to daddy!

 

>"Who are you… where am I… what-"

Tom: ...is your quest?

Crow: You're right, Lieutenant, she DOES have a lot of questions.

 

>"Shhh… I am Taiki. I um… escaped a ship of pirates and I saw you were  
>hit by some pirate and I figured I would…" 

Joel: [Taiki] ...put some clothes on you, you must be freezing.

 

>He walked over to her and knelt by her side. "How do you feel?"

Crow: [Ami] Like I was keelhauled.

Tom: [Taiki] Oh yeah, I knew I forgot to mention something!

 

>Ami studied the ground. "Where they after you?"  
>  
>Taiki lowered his eyes.

Tom: [Taiki] They where indeed.

Joel: [Ami] SIGH, isn't the ground grand?

 

>"I am the first captain's brother. When they realize I am missing,  
>they will hunt me down."

Crow: [Taiki] I wonder if they've finished counting to 100 yet?

 

>Ami looked into his eyes. "Why did they attack us?"  
>  
>Taiki shrugged. "They were out of food."

Tom: [Ami] What the hell, there's a frigging Zehrs like a mile  
up the road.

 

>Ami shook her head. "I'm going to see if my friends are ok." She  
>stood up and saw that there were in a cabin that was on fire. 

Crow: [Ami as Sean Connery] Our situation has not improved.

Joel: [Taiki] The pirates got cold, too.

 

>She quickly walked out the door and gasped in horror. The whole  
>village was burnt down. 

Tom: [Ami] CURSE YOU, PETER MOLYNEUX!!!

 

>She walked towards a man who was throwing things at a old store. She  
>recognized him as the store's owner. Mamoru.

Joel: Mamoru's adventures with the microwave finally went too far.

Crow: [Mamoru] You couldn't protect them! AND YOU CALL  
YOURSELF A CONVENIENCE STORE?!?

 

>She walked past him to where her friend's cabin was. It was burnt  
>down along with everyone else's. She shook her head and walked  
>around.

Tom: I love how Ami just flat out ignores Mamoru's drama.

Crow: All we need to complete the scene is Silent Bob.

 

>"MINAKO! USAGI!"  
>  
>One guy stopped and looked at her strangely. "Miss, those two girls  
>were taken by the pirates."

Joel: Fires burning all around, and he's giving plot points!  
What dedication!

Tom: He's got the list. Michiru was taken by aliens, Setsuna was  
taken by elves, and Rei was taken by the loony bin and asked inside.

 

>Ami jerked her head around to look at him. "WHAT?!"  
>  
>"They are gone, never to be seen again." The guy then walked off.

Crow: The author's nephew, ladies and gentlemen, the author's  
nephew.

Tom: He just realized that he was due to give plot points in  
Voltaire's "Candide".

 

>Ami glared towards the man who walked out of the cabin she was in the  
>night before. "Taiki!"  
>  
>He looked at her. "What?"

Joel: [Ami] Who was that man? I'd like to shake his hand!

 

>"I need to go to that ship and save my friends." She walked up to  
>him. "Where is the ship going?"  
>  
>Taiki bit his lip. "North."

Tom: (singing) North, to Alaska... Go north, the rush is on...

Joel: [Ami] To Hokkaido, got it!

Crow: [Taiki] No no no no, we're the West Jap-Indies now...

 

>She grabbed his hand. "Take me there."

Crow: [Ami] Someday, somewhere, somehow. Or, you know, when you  
get a minute.

Joel: [Ami] Only Santa Claus can save my friends now!

 

>He shook his head. "Don't worry, if you stay with me, they will find  
>you."

Tom: [Taiki, seductive] I'm a bad penny, baby. I always turn heads.

 

>Ami studied him and then nodded. `Why is he so sure they will  
>find him.'  
>  
>Taiki smiled, as if he read her mind. "I have their treasure map."

Joel: [Taiki] See, they're located due east of Grimace!

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Tom: [Ami] LANDDDDDDDDD HOOOOOO!!!

Crow: [Taiki] Oh, behave!

 

>The white haired pirate threw everything in his room onto the floor.  
>"TAIKI!!!!!"

Joel: He replaced his "Just For Men" with the "Drew Carey Memorial  
Hair Bleaching System".

 

>Some of the pirates rushed into his carters. "Captain!"

Tom: The other pirates rushed into his roosevelts.

Crow: [Captain] You men have my ford.

 

>The pirate's eyes flashed with anger. "That Taiki did it again!" He  
>kicked the table so that it would fall on the floor as well. 

Joel: [author] See, he's really angry and stuff so that's why he  
did that thing there right then.

 

>"He thinks that by stealing the treasure map we would stop hunting  
>for the ancient treasure! Such a good doer!"

Tom: [Captain] It belongs in a museum! My fanny!

 

>The pirates all looked at each other. "Captain?"  
>  
>The captain threw another item on the floor and stomped on it. "I AM  
>GOING TO KILL HIM!!!"

Crow: [Captain] ...right after I get a new parrot. Sorry, Polly.

Joel: Now was this a treasure map or would this show you where Jimmy  
Kimmel and Bobcat Goldthwait lives?

 

>The pirates started to leave. "HOLD IT! Bring me my prisoner!"  
>  
>They smiled and rushed off. Moments later they dragged a kicking and  
>screaming Minako back.

Crow: [Captain] Hey, this is cool! Take her away again! Naw, bring  
her back! Whee!

Joel: [Minako, crying] I don't know where Chunk is, I swear!

 

>"You are to clean up this mess. I hate cleaning." He then walked out  
>of the room.  
>  
>"Is there anything you don't hate?" A pirate asked.  
>  
>"SHUT UP!!"

Tom: [Pirate] Don't mind the Captain, he hates long good-byes.

 

>They then closed the door, leaving Minako to clean. She looked  
>around. "As if!"

Joel: MTV's "Like, Totally! At Sea".

Tom: Japanese magical girls in colonial times speaking valley  
girl slang while held hostage by bishonen pirates... I think my brain  
just crapped itself.

 

>Suddenly the door opened and a pirate looked in. "Clean or you walk  
>the plank!"  
>  
>Minako picked up a book and threw it at the pirate.

Crow: [Minako] Floor's done.

Joel: [pirate] "Treasure Island"? Oh, that's just plain mean!

 

>"So much like the captain." The pirate moaned just before he was  
>whacked by another book.

Joel: Cap'n gets bitchy when he gets kidnapped too.

Tom: Just wait until she throws "Atlas Shrugged" at you, you won't  
be able to plunder for a week.

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Tom: Water... the source of all scene changes.

 

>The black haired pirate closed the kitchen door and dragged Usagi  
>with him into the kitchen. "You are going to cook today!"  
>  
>Usagi grumbled.

Tom: So, put prisoners in charge of the food supply. How are these  
pirates still alive?

Crow: They're bishounen, an ice cube is an indulgence.

Tom: So's my attention, and it's melting faster than said ice cube  
in Egypt.

 

>"HEY! Makoto! Look who I have?" He yelled.

Joel: [Makoto] If it's Charlie Sheen, you can throw him back.

 

>A beautiful brown haired girl popped her head up from behind a  
>mountain of potatoes. "Did you bring me an assistant, Seiya-san?"

Crow: [Seiya] I brought you dysentery, isn't that enough?

 

>Usagi looked up at him. "Seiya?"  
>  
>"That's me!" He then turned his attention to Makoto. "Can you make me  
>those awesome hamburgers?"

Tom: We've gone from Crystal Tokyo to Long John Silver's to  
White Castle.

Crow: Once again, we halt the plot of a Japanese story for a  
food moment.

Joel: Food. Try some, won't you?

 

>Makoto laughed. "Yes!"  
>  
>"JA NE!" Seiya let go of Usagi and left.

Tom: [Seiya] And can I have a side order of Pocky with that?  
Cause I'm Japanese.

 

>Usagi stuck her tongue out at him and turned to Makoto. "My cooking  
>sucks."

Joel: (annoyed sigh) For those of you just joining us...

Crow: Sheep Sheep would be proud.

 

>Makoto looked at her and laughed. "Nice try. Come help me peal these  
>potatoes."

Tom: Another day in the offshore sweatshops of McDonald's.

Joel: [Makoto, singing] Peelings... nothing more than peelings...

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Tom: [Samuel L. Jackson] I have had it with these motherBLEEPing  
snakes in this motherBLEEPing fic!

 

>Minako sighed as she leaned against the wall. The room was all fixed  
>and shinning, as if no one ever had a tantrum fit.

Joel: Groundskeeper Willie was cowering in the corner.

Crow: [Minako] No matter how many tantrums I throw, the room always  
returns to normal! That makes me MAD!!!

 

>She got up and started to walk to the door. The moons light shined  
>through the window. 

Tom: Emilio Estevez's naked butt danced a southbound jig.

 

>She gazed out the window for a moment. 

Crow: Oh lord, she's not gonna start singing a song from 'Les  
Miserables', is she?

Tom: [Pirate] No no, there'll be no singing here!

 

>Then she saw the captain walk towards the room she was in. She  
>panicked and took off a shoe, ready to throw it.

Crow: Joel, can I throw something at the pirates next?

Joel: It'd just mess up the theater screen.

Crow: And?

 

>The door opened and the shoe flew. WACK!

Tom: With a name like Minako, you wouldn't figure her for  
American Maid.

 

>"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!" The White haired  
>captain yelled as he picked up her shoe and stormed at her.

Joel: [Usagi] The shoephone's for you!

Crow: [Captain] Oh. Hello? 99, is that you?

 

>`Ok, it doesn't work on this guy… shoot…' Minako backed up into a  
>corner.

Tom: Just call him 'Pirate of Space'.

Crow: [Captain] Ha ha ha! How many times must I tell you!? Your  
pumps are useless against me! 

 

>She was ready for him to hit her. She braced herself for the hit.

Joel: This 'fic throws everything... shoes, tantrums...

Tom: Its hands up in the air?

 

>"Pathetic. You did a lousy job of cleaning."  
>  
>Minako opened her eyes and blinked. He insulted her cleaning skills?

Crow: [Captain] I can't see myself in this mirror... OOF! *CRACK*!

Joel: [Minako, darkly] How about now?

 

>She looked at him. His back was to her. The moonlight made him look  
>like an angel. He wore a loose white shirt with long sleeves. His  
>hair was tied back. He wore tight black pants. If Minako didn't hate  
>him… she would have melted. He was gorgeous.

Tom: With his white hair and white shirt, we're absolutely sure that  
he wasn't just overexposed?

 

>He looked back at her. His green eyes sparkled. Minako shook it off.  
>"I am a very good cleaner!" She told him.

Joel: [Minako] I'm steaming mad at dirt!

 

>He turned around to face her, and grinned. "You stink."

Crow: Think Mamoru's currently wearing the "I'm a Virgin" shirt?

 

>Minako blinked. "Why I otta!!!!!!" She grabbed her other shoe, ready  
>to throw it.

Joel: [Minako] I just remembered I'm Japanese! I can't wear these  
indoors!

 

>He rushed over to her and knocked the shoe out of her hand. "Throw  
>one more thing at me, and I will do something to you far worse then  
>walking the plank."

Tom: [Captain] Now, this is Robin Williams as Popeye. A-gagagagaga!

Crow: [Minako] That's still infinitely preferable to a Dave Coulier impression.

Tom: [Captain] Well, you oughtta know...

 

>Minako looked away from him. Tears filled her eyes, but she would not  
>let him have the gratitude of them falling. 

Joel: Gratitude? What is she, Dr. Klahn now?

 

>She looked at him with a firm expression. "I'd rather die then to be  
>here on this stinking boat with a stuck up little pathetic…"  
>  
>The captain's eyes danced with glee. "Oh? Die huh?"

Crow: Isn't this where the Muppets are all supposed to sing?

 

>He grabbed a hold of her filthy and torn dress. "WHEW! You reek!" He  
>grabbed a clothespin and stuck it on his nose as he pulled the girl  
>out of his cabin.

Tom: If a pirate is telling you that you reek, it's really time to  
examine your life and hygiene.

 

>He quickly picked her up and tossed her over board.  
>  
>"YIIIIIIII!!!!" She screamed as she fell into the water.

Joel: Then he put in a squirt of Palmolive.

 

>He then grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at her. "Hope you can  
>swim!"

Crow: *A* bar of soap, or *the only* bar of soap?

Tom: [Captain] Grab onto this to float! Yar har!

Joel: [Captain] But if ye can't, no worries, that Coast will bring yer  
back to life!

 

>The other pirates laughed as Minako glared at them. "OOOHHHH… If I  
>was a witch I'd show them a thing or two…" She growled.

Tom: [Minako] Check out my broom and hat! Nice, huh?

Crow: Kiki's Delivery Service II: Miyazaki Retches.

 

>She suddenly realized that the ship was at a halt. She looked up to  
>see the other pirates climbing and jumping off of the boat. 

Joel: [pirate] CANNON BALL!!! *splash*

Tom: Turns out that this was just a Carnival theme cruise.

 

>She looked over her shoulder and saw an island right behind her. She  
>quickly swam over to the island and climbed out of the water onto the  
>shore.

Crow: Wow, that was a... daring escape.

 

>"NO NO NO!!!!!"  
>  
>Minako looked as the other pirate threw Usagi off of the boat. He  
>then jumped off behind her. He grabbed the kicking and screaming  
>girl and swam to shore.

Joel: Frankie Avalon is getting pushy in his attempt to restart  
his career!

 

>Minako picked up a branch and looked at him. If he touched her or  
>Usagi in any way...

Tom: ...she'll sick 'The Happening' on him?

 

>He smiled at Minako and tossed Usagi at her. 

Joel: I think they missed a couple rules in their dodgeball  
tournament.

 

>"You two better bathe or Captain Yaten will loose his temper again."  
>He then was gone.

Crow: [Minako] We'll bathe in our imaginary water and use your  
condescension as sweet lavender soap.

Joel: Hey, let's use Pert Plus! It's imaginary plus condescension  
in one!

 

>The girls looked at each other in shock. They were alone?

Bots: Kiss her! Kiss her!

 

>"I am here to make sure that you two don't run off."  
>  
>The two girls jumped when they heard the icy female voice.

Crow: Might as well.

Tom: Lei Fang's a bit bitchy, Kasumi couldn't dig the last spike  
and they lost by a set.

 

> "I am Rei, Seiya's younger sister. You are my responsibility now."  
>She flung her long raven hair over her shoulder and looked at them  
>with her violet eyes. "I am strong enough to take both of you on."

Joel: It'll be just like 'Suite Life On Deck'!

Tom: If you see any Daryl Hannahs in the ocean, just ram 'em with  
the boat. They sink quickly afterward.

 

>Makoto swam over to the girls. "Hi ladies! It's so nice to see more  
>girls!"  
>  
>Minako and Usagi looked at the brown haired girl and smiled.

Tom: Donny Osmond is on this cruise too, isn't he?

Joel: Oh, I get it! It's Secret Agent Super Dragon II.

Crow: [P.A. system] Entertainment Night will be at 7:30 on the Lita  
Deck. We will be showing "Splash" on Makoto's Back, tickets are $1.50  
for everyone but Donny Osmond.

 

>"We better move to another location so the captain doesn't watch us."  
>Makoto said. She pointed to the ship where Yaten was throwing stuff  
>overboard and yelling.

Joel: No, Yaten, that goes with the... plot, dammit... Anyone else  
got a prop or three, or a spare backdrop?

Tom: I hear Tommy Wiseau's got the hookup for a green screen.

 

>"Um, why is he so mad?" Usagi asked.

Joel: Because at those prices he's practically giving them away?

Tom: Hey, if your favorite franchise got rebooted, you'd be  
plenty pissed too.

Crow: Covering a lot of ground with that one, Servo?

Tom: Take your pick.

 

>"Typical, my older brother stole the map. He feels that we should  
>leave the history be and find newer treasures." Rei said.

Crow: [Rei] Nic Cage is really chapping his ass, Nic always seems  
to get there first.

 

>Minako giggled. "So, um, he is a unique pirate?"  
>  
>Rei rolled her eyes. "I think Captain Yaten will make him walk the  
>plank this time."

Tom: Since the keelhauling was obviously a failure.

 

>Usagi frowned. "When will the captain let Minako and me go?"  
>  
>Makoto laughed. "Never! 

All: (singing) Bis-mill-ah!

 

>They kidnapped me five years ago. Look at me now. Their chief."

Joel: [Makoto] I'm having a little trouble kicking the peace pipe.

 

>Minako shook her head. "Usagi and I both can't cook."

Tom: [Minako] I've never sheeped in my life!

Crow: Well, they have something in common with Martha Stewart.

 

>Rei looked at them. "I am their only female pirate. I sit in the tree  
>and shoot fire arrows at all of the cabins." She smiled.

Crow: I bet Rei's a real kick during summer camp.

Tom: Soooo, the huge muscular guy with the torch setting fire  
to Minako's cabin in Chapter One just... never happened, huh?

Joel: Retcon... in about an hour!

 

>"I have done sword fighting as well. And I have killed many people."

Joel: [Rei] See? My T-shirt clearly says I beat the Sword Master  
of Mêlée Island!

Crow: [Rei] Why, I'm so powerful, I killed narrative integrity!

 

>Usagi grabbed onto Minako and they both looked at Rei in terror.

Joel: Now? Okay. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!

Crow: [announcer] 'The Sailor Moon Holiday Special' will be back  
right after these messages!

Tom: Good timing too, we gotta go, guys...

(Joel picks up Tom and stands up along with Crow.)

 

>"Stop scaring them, Rei. Lets bathe before the Captain starts looking  
>for us."

Tom: Sayyyy, finally a scene I can get into!

Crow: I smell a grail-shaped beacon nearby.

Joel: Somehow I doubt the Captain will be swayed by the oral sex.

Tom: Wait, lets just see how this plays out... Joel? Joel??

(Joel follows Crow out of the theater, carrying a still  
protesting Tom)

* * *

THE HOLOCABANA

A spotlight illuminated Tom Servo, dressed in a pirate costume  
complete with a small do-rag and an eyepatch taped to his head.  
A guitar was taped to his body as he hovered over to the nearest  
microphone in front of him.

"Hey folks, Joel and I were just thinking that since we're  
riffing on a pirate fanfic that now would be the perfect time for a  
plot shanty. But since we already did that with 'Mighty Jack', we  
settled for doing a parody of a UK boy band song. Enjoy!"

The room suddenly lit up to reveal Joel, clad in a puffy shirt  
and black pants, standing next to Tom. In the back, Gypsy was clad  
in a mod wig with polka-dot scarf and had a bass guitar strapped to  
her chest. On the drums was Crow, dressed like Vyse from 'Skies of  
Arcadia'. Also present were Minako, Ami and Usagi from 'Sailor  
Moon', dressed as sexy British mod girls.

Joel and Tom stepped back to join the rest of the band as the  
senshi walked up to their respective microphones.

[Sung to the tune of 'Five Colours In Her Hair' by McFly] 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h76uVRSJ5bc

All: Do do do do do doo  
Do do do do do doo  
Do do do do do doo

Minako: He's got a tem-per and no colour in his hair,  
Not into clean-ing, but I love the clothes he wears,  
I'd die if, I could, see him, in his un-der-wear.  
I don't care.

Usagi & Ami: Do these stu-pid pi-rates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?  
They burned down our vill-age and he  
came-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame

Minako: Everyone asked me  
Who the hell is he?  
That pirate with no colour in his hair.

He's just a hottie with a snotty attitude,  
I threw my shoe at him, he puts me in the mood.

Ami: The rumors spreading round that I read in the nude.  
But I don't care.

Usagi: She don't care.

Usagi & Ami: Do these stupid pirates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?  
They burned down our vill-age and that's  
lame-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame

Minako: Everyone asks me,  
Who the hell is he?  
That pirate with no color in his hair.

He was all I thought about,  
The boy I couldn't live without.  
He... made... me... go... insane,  
My heart, he set, aflame

[Tom: Her village too.]  
[Gypsy: Shh!]

Minako: His eyes, they were, to blame  
He'd had enough  
And told me that I STINK! And now...

[Everyone on stage simultaneously makes the OK sign with their hands.]

Minako: He's just a hair-ball with no name.

Usagi & Ami: Do these stu-pid pirates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?  
They burned down my vill-age and he came-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame.

Minako: Everyone asks me,  
Who the hell is he?  
That pirate with no color in his hair.  
4, 3, 2, 1!

All: Do do do do do doo  
Do do do do do doo  
Do do do do do doo  
Duuuuude...

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE ADVENTURES OF  
CAPTAIN YATEN' PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other  
multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,  
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing  
and skits. ;p


	2. Chapter 2

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 46: THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN YATEN PT. 2

(A Sailor Moon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should  
be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.  
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just  
covering our collective asses here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"The Adventures of Captain Yaten" is the property of My Interests.  
We attempted to contact her by e-mail but there was no reply and  
we sincerely hope she does not take offense to this MSTing of  
her work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p

Warning: This MSTing is rated PG-13 for violence, coarse language  
and mature content.

* * *

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do  
anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow  
truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open  
for you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch  
as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you  
step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for  
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it  
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand  
reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the  
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater  
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Crow: [doctor] Now, let's just take a look at your MRI results  
and... HOLY CRAP!

 

>Taiki and Ami rode on a horse going north. Ami smiled as she felt  
>the air blow through her hair.

Joel: [author] *click* OK, one more... *click* Nice! I think I  
have my book cover!

Tom: It just so happened that Taiki was the southbound end of a  
northbound horse.

 

>"Look, there they are!" Taiki said.  
>  
>Ami looked over to see the pirate ship had docked on an island. "How  
>can we ever get to it and save the others?"

Tom: I'd say it takes a miracle, but they're already on it.

 

>Taiki lowered Ami off of his horse. "That's none of my concern." He  
>then rode off, leaving Ami behind.

Joel: (laughs)

Crow: We don't care too much either, Ami.

 

>Ami nodded. He had a different mission. She understood it well.

Crow: Convincing Tuxy to give this 'fic another go?

Joel: Starring in a crappy Final Fantasy spin-off?

 

>However, she could never ever fight all by herself. She was a  
>doctor, not a hero.

Tom: She was a McCoy not a Hatfield!

Crow: [Ami] Take two pity trips and DON'T call me in the morning.

 

>She looked over at the ship. A white haired guy jumped off of the  
>ship. She decided to sit on a rock and think out a plan. 

Tom: I think that if she waits long enough, all the rest of the  
sailors will throw themselves off too.

Joel: [Ami] Would you stop drowning so loud!? I'm  
TRYING to think!

 

>She tapped her chin in thought. She could swim over to the ship;  
>throw off the pirates… no no… that wouldn't work. 

Crow: [Ami] Sorry, thought I was Kratos there for a second.

Tom: I have an extremely sinking feeling that Captain Ron will get  
involved shortly.

Joel: [Ami] I'd use a rowboat as a submarine but Mythbusters  
already busted it.

 

>She could go to a town that had even bigger ships and sail on the  
>ship and blow up their pirate ship and save her friends...

Tom: ...charred bodies.

Joel: [Ami] That's it! I'll get the Goonies!

 

>She stood up and nodded. She will get help from a village nearby.

Crow: [Ami] Help me, Hefty Smurf! You're my only hope!

 

>She turned around and walked into a wet object.

Joel: [Ami] Oh wait, that's the ocean... glub glub...

 

>She looked up and saw the white haired pirate. He grinned down  
>at her.

Tom: Wait, is this the captain or the guy with the beard or the  
other guy with the hair? I'm lost.

Crow: [pirate] I'm canvassing for the Slightly Soggy Party, we  
believe in subsidies for towels.

 

>"I think I remember you… I saw a friend of mine run off with you!"  
>He grinned and grabbed the girl, tossing her on her shoulder.  
>  
>"IEEEE!!!!"

Joel: [Ami] ...you broke my collarbone, you IDIOT!

Tom: [pirate] Oh crap, Vince McMahon will surely be firing me  
for this...

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Crow: singing> Oh, sweet scene change of life, at last I've  
found youuuuu...!

 

>Taiki heard her yell as he slowed down his horse. He looked back to  
>see if he could see anything.

Joel: [Taiki] Geez, can't I leave you alone and defenseless for  
one minute!?

 

>"Ami…" He turned his head and started to go the way he was going when  
>he heard the captain's voice.  
>  
>"Taiki, I know you're near. Bring back our treasure map and nothing  
>will happen to this blue haired girl…

Tom: Don't you know what blue hair means? She secretes a deadly  
poison from her skin!

Joel: So how will we see all the weird anime hair colors if they're  
hidden by pirate bandannas?

Crow: Don't worry, the amber and taupe eyes will still be visible.

 

>but, if you go… she will be fed to the sharks!"

Joel: [Captain] We'll lock her in the Press Room and throw away  
the key!

Tom: [Ami] NOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

>Taiki bit his lip. No, this is his problem. He got her involved. 

Crow: [Taiki] I'm THIS close to retirement! But what about that  
little girl!?

 

>"Damn map." He hated to see history getting messed up for vein  
>reasons. He shook his head.

Tom: Heh, looks like history and Bela Lugosi have something in  
common.

Joel: [pirate] Aww, I cain't read one o' them mappy things! Got a  
GPS loaded with the info?

 

>"Taiki! GO! HIDE! I don't care about myself! Save the map!"  
>  
>"SHUT UP!"

Crow: [Ami] Well, if you feel THAT way about it, give him the map  
and go to hell.

Joel: Actually, that was the audience. They were getting restless.

 

>Taiki looked towards where her voice came from. She agreed with him?  
>Taiki's heart started to beat faster. 

Tom: Is this love at first sight or too much caffeine? Tune in  
TOMORROW!

 

>A plan formed in Taiki's head as he ordered his horse to go back to  
>Ami.

Crow: Finally, the REAL hero of the story is introduced!

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Joel: Damn these speedbumps, just when the story picks up any  
momentum...

 

>Ami watched as Taiki rode in on his horse. "Taiki!"

Tom: Could be worse, at least it wasn't a Pinto.

 

>Yaten in return tossed Ami at Taiki. 

Joel: [Taiki] I got her! I got her!! *thump* Uh... the sun was in  
my eyes!

 

>"It's mine!" He picked up the map and opened it.

Crow: [Yaten] Let's see... "You are here, but the travelers  
checks are..." YOU BASTARD!!

 

>He stared at it as Taki grabbed Ami and rode off. "TAIKI!!!!!! When  
>I get you… I will shoot you myself!!!!"

Crow: I prefer to believe that's Ami talking.

Tom: Is it Taiki or Taki? Or Hawks?

Joel: We're expecting narrative integrity this far in?

 

>Yaten dropped the map and the map said; "Got you!"

Crow: [Yaten] Dammit. Next time, I'll demand the horse.

Joel: Damn right!

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Tom: Not from the scene change do I my judgment pluck; And yet  
methinks I have comedy, But not to tell of good or evil fics, of  
plagues, of dearths, or season two of 'The John Larroquette's Show''s  
quality...

Joel: Thank you, Tommy Shakespeare.

 

>Hee hee.. Hope you all like the story thus far. Don't worry; it'll  
>only get better.

Crow: It's like saying the only direction you can walk from the  
South Pole is north.

Joel: [author] Wait till we get to the TRIVIA!!!

Tom: GAAH!

 

>How is Ami going to save her friends? 

Joel: [Ami] An internet petition! Those always work!

Crow: [Ami] Hmm... Save Our Sailors... that's catchy...

 

>Will Yaten loose his temper and make the two feisty girls walk the  
>plank?

Tom: Is a bar of soap included with this dunking too?

 

>And Seiya, what is up his sleeves?

Joel: Hopefully, his arms.

 

>I thought that Rei would make a great pirate. Heehee.

Crow: So would James Buchanan, where's THAT fanfic?

Tom: Other awesome pirates: Sun Tsu, Stephen Harper, and Bozo  
the Clown.

 

>Well, it's almost dinnertime… how will the crew deal with Usagi's  
>cooking? 

Joel: Frequent visits to the poop deck come to mind.

Crow: They'll poke the beaver once or twice, push it away, and break  
out the Yogos.

 

>Find out… REVIEW!

Joel: Wow, this has all been one giant prologue for an episode of  
Iron Chef?

 

>Chapter 3: Dinner

Crow: Chapter 4: Dessert.

Tom: Chapter 5: Urp.

Joel: Wait, we skipped breakfast? But that's the most important  
chapter of the day!

 

>The night was setting and Makato called everyone in for dinner.  
>Captain Yaten sat at the foot of the table, grumbling under his  
>breath.

Joel: He was holding out for Chapter 6: Rum.

 

>All of the pirates avoided him like the pelage.

Tom: Ah yes, 'The Pelage'. The best-selling novel from Abbot  
Hummus, author of other classics like 'The Ranger' and 'The Balls'.

Crow: Actually, Pelage was Usagi's latest attempt at a creamed  
corn/riblet fusion.

 

>They all knew that when he grumbled like that, he wanted blood.

Joel: [Bela Lugosi] Preferably AB negative.

Crow: [Yaten] Blah, blah, blah...

 

>Minako and Usagi carried two big pots around the table as the pirates  
>helped themselves to the stew.

Tom: It was about 75% blond hair.

Crow: [Usagi] We prefer "angel" hair.

 

>Makato leaned over Seiya and handed him a hamburger with everything  
>on top. "I made this myself, while Usagi made everything else."

Tom: Thus leading to Seiya's foulest nightmare... one bishounen  
and three girls sharing a pirate ship.

Joel: (singing) Arrg, come and knock on me door...

 

>Seiya smiled. "THANK YOU!" 

Crow: [Announcer] The part of Seiya will now be played by  
Dr. Erhardt.

 

>He grabbed the burger and began eating it as if he had never had  
>anything else to eat before.

Crow: Yes, because no meat is possibly fresher than that aboard  
a pirate ship.

Tom: Are you nuts? This is steampunk, where refrigerators, Sailor  
Scouts, horseback riding, reading by lanterns, and pirate ships all  
coexist in harmony!

 

>Usagi stopped by Yaten. He looked up at her and glared at her.  
>"Minako will bring me my stew."

Crow: [Yaten] You stick to your ale, wench!

Joel: Yaten was afraid his stew would come like his slippers,  
half-nibbled.

 

>Usagi looked towards her cousin and walked away from Yaten. Minako  
>walked up to him and he glared at her. "You shall serve me." Minako  
>nodded and poured the stew into his bowl. He waved his hand and  
>dismissed her. She walked over to Usagi.

Crow: [Minako] See? A quarter tip! He doesn't think I'm just some  
two-bit floozy... err, waitaminute...

Joel: [Minako, whispering] I put the poison on the top AND the  
bottom to be sure.

 

>Yaten took a bite of the stew. His eyes lit up and his face turned  
>red. The other pirates looked at their food and dropped their spoons.  
>Seiya licked his fingers and smiled.

Crow: Underneath, he seethed. Tabasco soup again! Those bitches  
would pay.

 

>"WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS!" Yaten yelled as he spat fire everywhere.  
>  
>"Stew, with a twist!" Usagi said proudly.

Joel: Of pure naphtha.

 

>Yaten pulled out his gun and aimed it at her. "The "twist" is fire!

Tom: [Usagi] Yeah, I added this glowing orange flower, old recipe  
given to me by a plumber.

 

>I should shoot you down right now!"  
>  
>Usagi didn't flinch. "Go ahead. It's not as if we're ever going to go  
>home again."

Joel: I'm almost curious if Usagi will ask to see his conceal carry  
permit.

Tom: [Usagi] Oooh, is that a Ruger?

Crow: [Yaten] Naaw, a H&K I picked up at the last port.

 

>Seiya quickly stood up. "I'll punish her, Captain. After all, she is  
>my prisoner."

Tom: Forty lashes with his limp noodle, right?

Crow: [Seiya] In the name of the moon, I'll... punish...

Joel: [Usagi] *ahem*

 

>Yaten glared at him, but lowered his gun. "What do we eat now?"  
>  
>Minako sighed. Yaten glared at her. "What do you know how to cook?"

Crow: [Minako] Well, I have this goose... wait, forget I said that.

Joel: [Minako] I never knew, my sensei only spoke Swedish!

 

>Minako smiled. "Spicer stews."  
>  
>Yaten shook his head and sat down.  
>  
>More please!"  
>  
>Yaten raised an eyebrow as a pirate shoved his bowl towards Minako.  
>She scooped out some of the stew and gave it to him.

Tom: Wait until they find out that Minako's been serving them their  
dirty laundry for three days.

 

>"She is my servant; I do not want to ever hear you say please to her  
>again." Yaten said as he got up. 

Crow: [pirate] Here's some earplugs. MORE PLEASE!!!

 

>He glared at Makoto. "Make me a tuna platter. I will be in my  
>quarters." Yaten then left the room.

Joel: But first he sat down, stood again, sat, glared, stood,  
glared...

Crow: [Minako] What an eccentric performance.

 

>"Minako, will you stay here and serve the pirates while I make Yaten  
>a Tuna plater?" Makato then left the room.

Tom: If she weaves the bones just right, she can make a plate and  
a cup!

 

>Suddenly, none of the pirates were eating.

Joel: [Pirate] Tuna Plater was our best fisherman! Why'd you have  
to cook him??

Tom: [Pirate] Now we'll have to go with Richard Hatch, and we hate  
watching him fish. Yeech.

 

>A couple of them stared at her and narrowed their eyes. 

Crow: Don't you mean, their *eye*?

Tom: I think that the only two pirates on the ship are John  
Flansborough and John Linnell.

 

>Minako started to feel funny.

Crow: [Minako] What's the deal with airplane peanuts?

 

>MEN! BEHAVE!" Rei walked into the room and tossed her hat on the hat  
>rack.

Joel: That's the worst Austin Powers impression I've ever heard.

Tom: Sadly, I'm half-expecting him to show up in about one more  
chapter.

Crow: [Austin Powers] I'm on a *boat*, baby! Yeah!

 

>Her raven hair was loose and she wore a red shirt, and tight black  
>pants.

Joel: She just came from the Aerosmith video where she was a body  
double for Steven Tyler.

 

>She sat into her chair and held out a bowl to Minako. Minako quickly  
>filled it.

Crow: ...with more bowls.

 

>Rei took a small sip of the stew and glared at Minako. She threw the  
>bowl at Minako.

Tom: [Rei] HAVE some, it's TERRIFIC.

 

>"Did you make this?"  
>  
>"No ma'am. My cousin did." Minako said meekly.  
>  
>"I demand a different meal. NOW!"

Joel: [Rei] Something happy!

Crow: [Minako] It's a pirate ship, it's known for having the pantry  
of a freaking Carnival Cruise.

 

>Minako quickly rushed out of the room.  
>  
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Tom: Next time on Hell's Galley...

Crow: [Chef Gordon Ramsay] How long?

Joel: [Minako] Two more minutes on the scene change, Chef!

Tom: Over on Set B, the Sailor Starlights were well in the middle  
of the Trojan War....

 

>Seiya put his arms around Usagi. He put his head on top of her head.

Crow: Oh dear lord, it's Lego Porn!

 

>He didn't really want to punish Usagi.

Joel: [Seiya] Look, just... tell your mother I yelled at you and  
don't do it again, okay? Now, go put on a sweater, honey.

 

>"If you are going to rape me, you better just get it done and over  
>with as I have no chance."

Tom: [Usagi] Yep, just hold me down with your big muscular  
arms, unbutton that sweaty white shirt that hides that ripped torso  
underneath and DEFINITELY don't call me Bella while we're doing  
it... I mean... while you're forcing yourself on me!

Joel: [Seiya] I'm on Team Yaten, sorry.

 

>Seiya twisted Usagi around to face him. The moonlight caught her  
>hair and made his heart stop beating. 

Joel: [Seiya] Urrk! *thump*

Crow: The lesson, never wear your hair loosely around dangerous  
moonlight.

 

>"Odango, I would never do that to you."  
>  
>Usagi looked at him in awe.

Crow: [Usagi] Did... did you just tenderly refer to me as a  
MEATBALL???

Tom: O solo mio!

 

>"Then why do you hold me so?"

Joel: [Seiya] Cause you're lovely to look at.

Crow: [Usagi] Consider me sold!

 

>Seiya regretfully let her go. He then walked to the other side of the  
>room that he had taken her into. He grabbed a mop and a bucket.

Tom: [Usagi] Oh, I get it. You jackass... you want someone  
THINNER. Than an 80-pound Japanese teenager. I see that she's blond  
too, you two-timing son-of-a-bitch.

 

>"Here, scrub the deck." He had a reputation to keep

Crow: That's SWAB the deck, ya piss poor excuse for a pirate!

 

>and this was the only punishment that he could think of that would  
>not hurt her so.

Tom: Two hours later, Usagi died of infection from a splinter.

Joel: Keeping your bed warm was hazardous duty, eh Seiya?

 

>Usagi took the mop from him and the bucket. She then grinned as she  
>whacked him from behind his knees with the mops stick.

Joel: Works every time.

Crow: [Seiya] Thank GOD I didn't ask her to clean out the cannons.

 

>His knees buckled and she took the iron bucket and shoved it on his  
>head.

Joel: And here's the part where Daffy... err, I mean Usagi, hits the  
bucket with the mop handle and there's Seiya vibrating like he's  
inside a bell! Whew, funny!

 

>She then started to run away when a pair of arms wrapped themselves  
>around her waist. 

Crow: [sighs] And so our scene begins again.

Tom: [Tor Johnson] Time for go to bed!

Joel: Reed Richards?? Who let YOU onto this crossover? And what  
will Sue think?

 

>She let out a shriek as she fell backwards, onto the man who grabbed  
>her. She looked up and saw Seiya, with the bucket still on top of his  
>head smiling down at her.

Crow: Never before has a desperate escape attempt been so darn  
playful.

Joel: I'm still trying to figure out where she'd escape *to*.

 

>The moonlight can play so many tricks as it made him glow like  
>an angel.

Tom: No, that was the three layers of Vaseline.

 

>"Odango, you should not have done that!" Seiya then grabbed her legs  
>and pulled her whole body closer to him. He stared down at her. His  
>eyes twinkled with playfulness. For some odd reason, Usagi felt safe  
>with him.

Crow: If the last two paragraphs didn't really happen, how come I'm  
sadder on the inside?

 

>Suddenly, her stomach let out a loud rumble. Seiya looked at her  
>surprised and burst out laughing.

Joel: [Seiya] I... I have NO idea what I'm supposed to be feeling  
here! Not a clue! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Crow: [Usagi] I... I think we've cracked!

 

>"I haven't eaten in hours!" She hissed at him.  
>  
>"Well, you do need to loose some weight…" He teased.

Tom: You're on a pirate ship, that problem pretty much takes  
care of itself!

 

>Usagi pushed herself away from him. She started to get up when she  
>saw that Seiya wasn't paying any attention to her. Suddenly her hair  
>was yanked.

Joel: [Usagi] Gee, you're only the 400th fanboy to do that to  
me... today.

 

>"You're not getting away that easy!" He stood up and picked her  
>up. He carried her out onto the deck and tossed her down.

Tom: Then he raced her down the ice towards the opposing  
goal, fortunately for Usagi, his shot went wide and she flipped  
over the glass to freedom!

 

>He then tossed her the mop and bucket again.

Joel: [Seiya] Now in this scene, you're the Star Wars kid. I need  
some film styles from the audience now...

 

>"I will be watching you, Odango." He then turned his back to her and  
>waved as he left her alone on the deck. "Ja!"

Tom: (hums the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Joel: [Seiya] These decks are as dirty as hell, and you're not gonna  
take it anymore!

Crow: [Usagi] YEAH! No, wait...

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
>  
>Minako gave Rei a different meal. Rei wrinkled her nose in disgust.  
>"What the hell is this?"

Joel: [Minako] Seagull braised in Aqua Velva. I don't have a whole  
lot to work with...

 

>Minako studied the plate. "Um, potatoes, green smock and chopped  
>fish of some sort."  
>  
>Rei raised an eyebrow. "Who made it?"

Tom: Clearly, someone who thought a smock was used for more than  
finger-painting.

 

>"Um… it was something I scrounged up…" Minako said nervously.

Crow: There are food lockers, and foot lockers. One is more  
appropriate for dinner than the other.

 

>Rei slammed her hands on the table. "Do you want me to give you to  
>these men?"  
>  
>Minako looked around the room at the men who licked their lips.  
>"Errr…. NO!"  
>  
>Rei grabbed the girl's collar. 

Tom: Really throws herself into her role, doesn't she?

 

>"Then I suggest you get me something else!"

Joel: What more could you want, gravy?

 

>Makato walked into the room. "No fret, Rei. I have some fantastic  
>chicken filet!"  
>  
>Rei let go of Minako and sat down. "Thank GOD! I thought we were to  
>starve!"

Crow: [Makoto] Thankfully a large chicken shark passed by the  
boat and hearing of our plight, flung itself onto the deck out of pure  
selflessness.

Tom: I always wondered what happened to El Pollo Diablo.

 

>Minako let out a sigh and she backed out of the room. She walked up  
>to the deck. She looked towards captain Yaten's quarters. She saw a  
>glimpse of the white hair. "I hate him." She muttered.

Joel: [Minako] And his toupee.

 

>"You and me both."  
>  
>Minako jumped, startled. "Usagi! You're cleaning the deck?"

Crow: [Usagi] No, I'm slobbering like a waterfall cause I'm just  
so hungry. Putz.

 

>Usagi tossed the mop down and stomped on it. "Yeah, that Seiya is a  
>total jerk!"  
>  
>Minako laughed. "I think he is nicer then Yaten."

Tom: So we've gone from pirate adventure to harlequin novel to  
junior high school drama.

Crow: I thought that this was the Pensacola, Florida "Hooters"  
restaurant.

 

>Suddenly, Usagi's face went pale and something grabbed Minako. "I  
>heard that. Thank you for agreeing with me that I am a mean pirate!  
>I am the most handsome and meanest pirate around!"

Joel: [Seiya] Even my mom says so! 

Crow: You can tell by the way he orders his crew.... well, these two  
girls around.

 

>Minako looked up at the conceded Yaten. "Handsome? You are so vein!"

Joel: [Yaten] Yeah, well, you're just a dumb wrench!

Tom: [Minako] Oooh! You are such an alcohol!

Joel: [Yaten] Beach!

Tom: [Minako] Pluck!

Joel: [Yaten] Slush!

 

>Yaten glared at her. "I am not!"  
>  
>"Are too!"  
>  
> "NOT!"  
>  
>"TOO!!!!!!!!!"  
>  
>"NOT!!!"

Joel: This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I think  
"swashbuckling".

Tom: Finally some authentic 18th century dialogue!

Crow: Next time on 'Ship of Tools'...

 

>Yaten yanked Minako over to the wheel where a pirate stirred the  
>boat. "I think it's time to show you who is boss."

Tom: [Yaten] You have one hour to make a cake in the shape of my ass!

 

>He let go of Minako as he placed his hand on the wheel. He then  
>glared at the pirate. "Leave."  
>  
>The pirate rushed off in fear. Yaten took over the wheel. 

Crow: [Yaten] Tom Bodette told me he'd keep a light on.

Joel: [Yaten] Krusty Burger, here we come!

 

>"I hate stirring this ship." He looked at Minako. "Would you like to  
>stir it?"

Tom: [Yaten] Arrg, it's giving me tennis elbow.

Crow: Anyone getting nasty flashbacks to "Captain Ron"?

 

>Minako shook her head. She wanted off the damn boat!

Crow: She and us both.

Joel: [Minako] As God as my witness... we will NOT being making  
ANOTHER RUN!!!

 

>Yaten grabbed her and pulled her in front of him so that she faced  
>the wheel. He grabbed her hands and placed them on the wheel. He  
>then smiled. 

Tom: [Yaten, seductive] You steer, I'll drive.

Joel: [Minako] Gee, that razor sharp CORAL REEF looks inviting!

 

>"Good, now you can stir this ship." 

Crow: All this scene needs now is Kenny Loggins.

 

>He then let go and his smile broadened as he heard Minako scream and  
>fly about a foot away from the wheel. 

Tom: [Yaten] Har har har! I love playin' that prank on me shipmates!  
Don't worry, it's safe to touch now. *ZAPPP* Har har har!

 

>He turned around and grabbed the wheel. "Dumb wench! You could have  
>made the ship crash!"

Crow: [Yaten] What idiot put you in charge of... uh... let's not  
speak of this again.

Joel: Next, he's going to invite her to load a cannon.

 

>Minako stood up. She glared at the captain who glared back at her.  
>"I HATE YOU!" She yelled and then rushed off of the deck.

Tom: She'll never let you sketch her naked now, chump.

Joel: [Rei] Hey Captain, how'd the wheel bit go over?

Crow: [Yaten] Oh, shut up.

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Joel: Have you ever just... gazed at the scene change in the  
night sky?

Tom: Why no... I haven't.

Crow: Let's try it now.

(All three stare at the scene change in abject wonder and peaceful  
contemplation)

 

>Usagi felt the sun start to warm her skin. 

Tom: [Usagi] In fact it's blistering up! Oh no! I used baby oil  
by mistake! 

 

>The sun was rising. She let out a sigh. She then heard waves crashing  
>into the boat. She opened her eyes and gasped. It wasn't a dream...

Joel: [Gilligan] Skipper! SKIPPER! We've got another body on  
the island!

Crow: [Skipper] Quick, shove a sail up her ass and let's get the fuck  
out of here!

Joel: (shocked) Crow!

Crow: (shakes his head) Whoa... flashed back to 1998 for a moment  
there.

 

>she was still on the pirate ship! She sat up and looked over at the  
>pirate who smiled down at her.

Crow: Which was truly a lovely sight with no teeth.

Tom: [Pirate] Lost me pearlies in a fierce battle with a bottle  
of grog. That cork showed me no mercy!

 

>"Oh? I thought I would have to use this." He said as he showed her  
>the bucket that she had used to clean the deck with the night before.

Joel: [Usagi] OK! OK! I know what it means! You don't need to  
beat me over the head with it!

 

>The pirate glanced in the bucket and shrugged his shoulders. "Oh  
>well, why waste the water?" He then dumped the contents on Usagi who  
>was wide-awake already. "SEIYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Joel: [Seiya] Come on, splashdance! You know, the... oh, forget it!

 

>Seiya laughed and dropped the bucket as he ran off. Usagi grabbed the  
>mop and rushed off after him. She was furious! How dare he?

Crow: She's going to clean his clock! And swab a few decks  
afterward...

Tom: Usagi Tsukino IS The Fast and the Furious!

 

>Suddenly, someone grabbed her from behind. She used the mop to whack  
>the person.

Tom: [Usagi] I have another job for you, Mr. Libman. Make sure it  
looks like an accident.

 

>"ARGH!!!!!! GIVE ME THAT!!!"  
>  
>Usagi recognized the voice instantly. 

Crow: [Ralph Edwards] Usagi Tsukino, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!

 

>Captain Yaten. 

Joel: Cool, a new character to... oh, right.

 

>He yanked the mop from her grasp and yanked her to the center of  
>the deck.

Tom: [Yaten] YOU MISSED A SPOT!!!!!!!

Joel: [Yaten] Hands and knees, no cleaning with your feet!

 

>Seiya was already long gone.

Crow: [Seiya] Fear not brave senshi! For I shall... wait, do I have  
the right script here?

 

>"I should just make you walk the plank. However, I have a punishment  
>for you that is even better then that!" He pulled something out of  
>his pocket and suddenly, her head felt lighter, a whole lot lighter. 

Tom: [Yaten] You lightweight, you haven't even sniffed the cork yet!

 

>She glanced sideways and saw golden strings falling everywhere.  
>Wait, it was not golden string... it was her hair! She gasped in  
>horror as she felt the rest of the hair from the other bun gets  
>sliced as well. 

Crow: Which one, the rye or the kaiser?

Tom: I really hope she doesn't hold a "Grudge" or anything...

 

>Tears built up in her eyes, but she blinked them back. She would not  
>gratify him with tears. 

Joel: She would, as always, stiff him on the tip.

 

>Suddenly she was turned around to face Yaten.  
>  
>Yaten grinned. "Much better!"

Tom: [Usagi] Couldn't you have practiced on a Barbie doll or  
something first?

 

>She glared at him.  
>  
>Yaten studied her face.

Joel: [Yaten] I can take care of that mustache too, if you want?

 

>She still glared at him...  
>  
>Yaten's eyes fell towards her chest.  
>  
>She still glared at him....

Crow: [Yaten] What? You stared me down! Where else am I  
supposed to look?

 

>Yater put his knife in his mouth and carefully picked up the locket  
>she wore. He flicked it open.  
>  
>"NO! Don't!" She yelled.

Tom: Usagi winced as a ear-splitting rendition of the 'U.S. Marine  
Corp Hymn' blared from the locket.

 

>Too late. Yaten eyed the contents in her locket. He pulled out a  
>piece of paper and shook it open. He studied it for a moment.

Joel: 'I owe you one plot, signed God.'

Crow: Too late, God, only a miracle could save us.

 

>He then looked at her necklace. He fingered the locket and then  
>yanked it off of her neck. He then grabbed the knife out of his  
>mouth with the same hand that he had the locket in.

Crow: He then juggled the knife and the locket in one hand while  
patting his head with the other.

Joel: [Usagi] *clap clap clap*

Tom: Ironically enough, both the pirates AND the tricks are stupid.

 

>"Well Well… I do believe I have found something of absolute value...

Tom: The geothermic nucleus?

Joel: The secret of the Caramilk bar?

Crow: I'm still holding out for a point to this plot.

 

>Usagi... or should I say, Lady Usagi?

Joel: We're headed towards that stupid "don't call me late for  
dinner" punchline, aren't we?

Crow: Yes. Yes, we are.

 

>Heir to the fortune that was suppose to be mine... and to think, I was  
>going to not take you..." 

Tom: But he just couldn't pass up the chance to cash in all those  
frequent flyer miles Usagi banked by flying from Japan to the West  
Indies.

 

>Yaten grinned as he looked deeply into her eyes, as if he was  
>searching her soul. "I bet you don't know anything of me... huh?"  
>  
>Usagi kicked him.

Crow: [Usagi] I know you're not wearing a codpiece.

 

>"Like why the hell would I know anything of a disgusting pirate  
>like you?!"  
>  
>Yaten wiggled his nose. "You stink."  
>  
>Usagi rolled her eyes. "I wonder why?" She said sarcastically.

Joel: That's where I'd seen him before! Cousin Yaten on Bewitched.

 

>Yaten started to yank on her dress. He used his knife to slice at  
>the dress.  
>  
>"HEY!" Usagi yelled.

Tom: [Yaten] We need more fan service, stat!

Crow: [Usagi, sobbing] I have no more boob to gi-i-ive!

 

>Yaten ignored her as he kept searching for something. "Strip!"  
>  
> Usagi gulked at him. "What?!"  
>  
>"You heard me! Strip damn it!"

Joel: [Yaten] This old paint ain't gonna peel itself off  
the wall!

Crow: He just wants to wear the dress.

 

>Minako rushed over. "Usagi!" She was in shock at the sight. Usagi's  
>hair was now shoulder length, but still in their buns. 

Tom: They attached it to her chin, so that she could have a beard  
to stroke.

Joel: Arr, Palebeard.

 

>Yaten had a knife and was slicing up Usagi's dress. He stopped and  
>smiled at the other girl. 

Joel: [Yaten] Your alterations will be ready Thursday.

Crow: [Usagi] Next time, try the zipper, asshole.

 

>"GET HER!" He barked, even though it was only the three of them on  
>the deck.

Tom: Nonetheless, a confused Minako quickly put herself in a  
headlock.

 

>Suddenly, a mob of hugh pirates ran over to Minako. She let out a  
>scream and tried to run away.

Joel: They should really find the spot where all these pirates are  
spawning from and kill it.

 

>Yaten gestured for the other pirates to pull her to him. He let go  
>of Usagi and Usagi was instantly was grabbed by another pirate.

Crow: Was she now?

Joel: Puff, puff, pass.

 

>Yaten eyed the other girl. "Why did I not recognize you two? Why is  
>it that I over looked the most valuable treasure?" 

Tom: [Yaten] To think an old pirate like me overlooked your  
booty.

 

>He moved his knife so that it caught the sunlight and shined in to  
>Minako's face.

Crow: Lens flare doesn't translate well to text.

 

>He felt around the collar of her dress until his fingers grasped a  
>chain. He yanked it out and Minako's eyes widened. 

Tom: [Minako] MAMA... MAMA... Dammit! I hate it when people  
do that to me!

 

>"That's mine!" She quickly kicked at Yaten. Yaten smiled triumphantly  
>as he grasped the chain and yanked it from her neck. 

Crow: And reversed time apparently.

 

>He put the two lockets together and studied them. "Now this is a  
>prize!"

Joel: He's starting his own Mr. T collection.

Crow: He's got a LOOOOONG way to go then.

 

>Minako started to kick the other Pirates. "LET ME GO!"

Tom: [Minako] Karate KICK! Karate KICK! W-Why isn't this working!?

 

>Usagi bit one. "YUCK!"

Joel: Yeah, they're not even clean.

Crow: [Usagi] Needs more salt! *Gargg gargg gargg*...

 

>Yaten turned around and quickly sliced up Minako's dress. 

Tom: This fanfic just HATES clothes, is the author a nudist or  
something?

 

>She let out a scream of utter humiliation.

Tom: [Minako] UTTER HUMILIATION!!!

 

>"There it is, the mark of the blessed child!" Yaten's smile broadened  
>even more as he tore Minako's dress away from a birthmark on her  
>shoulder.

Crow: Oh, crap, she's a Stonemason.

Joel: Isn't this the basis of Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from  
Beverly Hills?

 

>It was in the shape of a star. He went over to Usagi and tore the  
>shoulder of her dress off. A shape of a C was there… or a crescent  
>moon.

Tom: Actually, the C means that she's a registered copyright. Got  
it, pirate?

Joel: [Usagi] Shit, I don't even remember getting that... how  
high was I?

 

>He narrowed his eyes. There, before him, were two ladies of an old  
>bloodline… that were filthy rich

Joel: Daphne from "Scooby Doo" and Miss Haversham?

Tom: (laughing) Sure, why not?

 

>His eyes sparkled with joy. "Boys, we have a new quest!"

Crow: Stop the evil Sariens from stealing the Star Generator?

Tom: Arrest the Death Angel before he floods Lytton with drugs?

Joel: Save Speilburg from Baba Yaga and become a Hero?

Crow: Get laid in Lost Wages?

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
>  
>Seiya watched as Makato made breakfast. "Could you give me a portion  
>for the two girls?"

Joel: [Makoto] Is it STILL breakfast!? I feel like I've been in here  
for the whole fanfic!

 

>Makato looked back at Seiya and smiled. "They have gone all day  
>with out eating, haven't they?" She said referring to the day before.

Crow: They're less pirates and more REALLY dysfunctional family,  
aren't they?

 

>"Hai. I feel bad for them." Seiya smiled at the girl. "Don't tell  
>any one though, alright?"  
>  
>Makato winked at him and continued to cook.

Tom: Soon, crystal meth for all!

Joel: That makes the other two lunch ladies, and all the pirates are  
little second graders on recess, right?

 

>Seiya let out a sigh and walked out to the dock. Golden feathers  
>caught his eyes as they floated by him.

Crow: [Seiya] Man the cannons! We've been invaded by Banjo-Kazooie!

 

>He looked ahead to see piles of golden hair blowing away in the wind  
>as Yaten glowed over some object. Seiya couldn't see anything more  
>cause of all of the other pirates who were snickering.

Tom: [Yaten] I knew I shouldn't have drank that irradiated grog.

 

>Seiya walked up to them and then gasped. Odango's hair was sliced  
>off! Plus her clothes we sliced into pieces. 

Joel: [Seiya] It's okay, you're still more feminine than  
Carrie-Ann Moss.

Crow: [Usagi] *sniff* Thanks.

 

>Along with her cousin who still had her hair. His heart stopped  
>beating. Her long beautiful hair. 

Joel: Sentence fragments. Just thoughts!

Crow: I regret she has one wig to give to her country.

 

>Seiya saw the look of hate on her face, and it was aimed at  
>Yaten. Seiya saw that Yaten held a knife. Without thinking, Seiya  
>yanked out his own knife.

Crow: Where's Paul Hogan when you need him?

Tom: Usagi countered with a spoon.

Joel: I hope they checked those into their luggage.

 

>SLICE!  
>  
>Silence.

Joel: Best. Pizza commercial. EVER.

 

>White feathery hair began to mingle with the blonde hair.

Tom: [white hair] Aren't all these follicles phonies?

 

>"...."  
>  
>Seiya looked in his hand, which now held Yaten's ponytail. He  
>smiled at himself as he let it fall onto the ground.  
>  
>"...."

Crow: With Special Guest Star: Golgo 13!

Joel: And with that, he stole Yaten's Quickening.

Tom: Even the scene changes are phoning it in at this point.

 

>Minako looked at the two pirates. She was scared… Yaten's face was  
>full of horror and shock. 

Crow: And an oily T-zone too. Don't pirates ever scrub?

 

>Seiya put his knife back into his pocket and looked at the girls.

Joel: [Seiya] Don't give me your wallets! Wait, I messed up...

 

>He winked at them and then rushed away.

Crow: These are truly the pirates who don't do anything.

Tom: Rushed away WHERE? They're on a frigging SHIP!

 

>Yaten's face turned bright red suddenly.  
>  
>"MY HAIR!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly Yaten erupted.

Tom: "Oh, hi drama!"

 

>He turned to where Seiya once stood. "I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!!!!"  
>  
>"What do you think I would have done to you for doing the same thing  
>to me?!" Usagi screamed.  
>  
>Yaten didn't even hear her. His face was red and he withdrew his  
>sword. "SEIYA!!!!!!" 

Joel: I think he's made his exclamation point by now.

 

>Yaten then vanished as he rushed off after Seiya.

Tom: *splash*

Crow: [Yaten] I'M DOWN HERE, YOU FOOLS!!!

 

>The pirates looked at each other, baffled by Seiya's attack. They  
>then looked at the two women who they held in their grasp. Hardly any  
>clothes were left on the women.

Joel: [pirate] Should we sing a song or something?

Tom: [pirate] Yeah, a shanty! That's really fruity!

 

>"I wouldn't do anything if I were you…" came a cold female voice.

Crow: Yeah, why start now, huh?

 

>The pirates all looked up as Rei walked up to the girls. "Dresses  
>never work on the ship any ways." She told the two.

Tom: Only the people INSIDE the dresses work on the ship.  
So, start rowing.

 

>"CURSE YOU SEIYA! I HATE RUNNING!!!!"  
>  
>Rei shook her head. "My poor brother. He let his feelings get the  
>better of him again."

Joel: [Rei] He'll never be a Jedi at this rate.

 

>Usagi crouched down and touched her hair. Yaten's own hair still  
>mostly was in its tie, as Seiya cut it just an inch below his scalp. 

Crow: BELOW his scalp!? Owie!

 

>Usagi looked up at Rei. "Why would he do something so crazy?"  
>  
>Sweat drop.

Joel: [Rei] That's nothing, you should see him sell furniture.

Tom: Everything else in here is pretty frigging random, why are we  
asking *now*?

 

>"You do not know?" Rei said in disbelief.  
>  
>Usagi gathered her hair. "No…"

Joel: [Rei] He once clubbed a seal to make a better deal! No bull!

 

>Minako shook her head. "He did it for you, dummy!"

Crow: [Usagi] I would have rather he got some Scotch tape and helped  
me put my hair back.

 

>Usagi didn't falter. She just stared at her hair that had been freed  
>from her head. "Oh."

Tom: Her hair was still jumping up and down, yelping pitifully.

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
>  
>A/N  
>  
>Woo Hoo! Things are getting exciting! 

Crow: Woo Hoo! No, they're not!

 

>What was it that Yaten discovered? Will Seiya live after this day?

Joel: Will the author's notes make any sense?

Tom: Will the Sailor Senshi show up in their natural environment: the  
Seven Seas?

 

>HEY! What's going on with Ami and Taiki?!? ^_^ 

Crow: [author] Aw, crap! I forgot all about them! Oh well, plenty  
of other chapters to stick in there somewhere!

Tom: I thought we ignored all the B plots here.

 

>Don't forget to … REVIEW!!!!!!!!!  
>  
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Crow: LESS FAFFING ABOUT, MORE STABBY STABBY!!!!!

Tom: NEEDS MORE VOLUME!!!!!!

Joel: Oh goodness, don't ask for more volume. The author will assume  
that means Pantene Pro-V.

 

>Prieview:

Joel: No riff necessary here, folks.

 

>Yaten glared at the pirates. He unfolded the two map pieces and  
>placed them side-by-side. He studied them. 

Tom: [Yaten] What's this squiggly line mean?

Joel: [Usagi] Water.

Tom: [Yaten] That's why there's so many of them!

 

>"Bring me the wenches!"

Crow: Based on this fic's previous knack for grammar, I'm guessing  
he really needs to tighten his nuts.

 

>One pirate cleared his throat. "Um, Captain… Seiya took the girls…"  
>  
>"WHAT?!?!?!?!"

Tom: [Seiya] Don't worry, girls, I don't have to return you till  
next Tuesday!

 

>~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
>  
>Uh Oh, Seiya is being such a bad boy! ^_~ 

Crow: COPS is filmed on location with the man and women of Sailor  
Moon. All pirates are suspect and proven fruity as far as we saw. 

 

>Don't forget to check out my other stories!

Joel: They're serialized daily in about eighty Twitter posts.

Tom: I'm amazed none of the pirates sparkled in the daylight...

Crow: No, they're saving that for Chapter 7: Barf.

Joel: Sooo, any final thoughts, guys?

Tom: [Patrick Stewart] And Yaten piled on the former senshi's  
hump... the sum of all the rage and hate... if his head had been a  
cannon, he would have shot his hair upon her...

Crow: What he said.

Joel: (chuckling) Okay, let's get out of here before Tom loses  
his mind completely...

Tom: Call me YATEN!

Crow: Too late.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) 

* * * 

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

As the trio emerged onto the bridge, Joel noticed a light flashing  
on the counter. "Hey guys, we got a call on the Hexfield Viewscreen!"  
he exclaimed.

"Great, we're overdue for some booty." Crow muttered as Joel  
walked over to the counter and gave the button a tap. 

The Hexfield slowly opened to reveal nothing but snow. A  
distorted radio broadcast could barely be heard crackling in the  
background.

"...is... *zzzt*... pinned down... *zzzt*... EVAC immed...  
*zzzt*... out of time... *zzzt*..." 

Joel fiddled with the controls. "Hello! This is the Satellite  
of Love responding to unknown contact, can you hear me?" he  
replied.

"YES!!! We... *zzzt*... stranded over... *zzzt*...forgotten...  
*zzzt*..."

"Can you boost your gain? We need more signal!" Joel replied.

"Damn... *zzzt*... I can't... *zzzt*... BOY!... *zzzt*" 

Joel looked at the bots and was about to throw up his hands when  
the snow suddenly died down and a shaky image appeared on the screen.

"Hey, isn't that..." Crow began.

"*zzzt* ...got through! Um, mayday, mayday! This is Sail... this  
is Ami Mizuno, an ordinary peasant girl... who happens to know  
how to build a video communicator out of stone knifes and  
bearskins... heh..." Ami cringed as she glanced around at the small  
crowd of people surrounding her. "These people and I are trapped  
in this fanfic and..."

"We're requesting immediate EVAC from the area! Repeat! We  
need a rescue effort here, pronto!" a wild-eyed Mamoru rudely  
interrupted.

"Arrh!" A huge and terrifying muscular man with a beard and one  
eye missing raised his torch and nodded his agreement.

"I'm getting to that, guys, please calm down!" Ami pleaded with  
them before speaking into her communicator again. "I'm not getting  
any response from my... err... 'tech support', so I'm appealing to you  
to please help us out of here."

"Wait, you were all characters in the first two chapters of the  
fanfic, right? How does that make you stranded?" Tom asked.

"All I know is this fanfic hasn't been updated for years and  
we have no idea how to get in touch with the author..."

"She is gone, never to be seen again." a guy suddenly  
interrupted.

"Shut up, you're not helping! Who the hell are you anyway!?"  
Mamoru snapped at the man who gave him an odd look before  
walking away. Ami sighed before continuing.

"Look, I'll be happy to answer all your questions if you can get  
us out of here. Our coordinates are..."

"Well wait, uh... we'd like to help you, really, but we're kinda  
trapped in space ourselves..." Joel replied sheepishly.

There was a long pause as Ami stared blankly at the screen.  
"What?" she finally uttered.

"Yeah, we're pretty much in the same boat as you. We don't  
even have a communicator to call anyone else for help, we can only  
talk to people that call us on the Hexfield or the mad scientists that  
trapped us up here in the first place." Joel explained.

"Smooth exposition there, Joel." Crow nodded.

"Oh, that's great! That's just great! There's no hope now!  
We're doomed, man! DOOMED!!!" Mamoru wailed.

"TUX-BOY!" Everyone else around him suddenly shouted. Mamoru  
immediately fell silent and collapsed on his butt, looking dejected.

"Please forgive him, the author didn't give him much to do in  
this fanfic and he's a little stir crazy." Ami helpfully explained.

"What about Taiki? Wasn't he helping you out before?" Crow  
inquired.

Ami blew out some air. "Oh yeah, big load of help there..." she  
muttered, the frustration in her voice evident now. "He and his  
horse dumped me shortly after rescuing me, and told me I wasn't his  
concern before riding off... same verse as the first."

"What a dickweed." Crow sympathized. 

"Tell me about it... I was THIS close to marching back over to  
Yaten and risking my life just to spite him but...meh." Ami shrugged.

"Man, that's rough... still, maybe you can contact someone else  
who can help you. Your signal strength must be pretty powerful if it  
can reach us all the way up here in orbit." Joel said.

"Yeah, maybe... in the meantime, I'll be thinking up a new plan  
to save my friends held prisoner on the ship... I don't suppose you  
know how they're doing?" Ami inquired.

"Uhh, well, Minako's alternating between hating and being  
hopelessly in love with the ship's abusive captain..." Joel began.

"And Usagi's in love with his brother, who..." Crow continued.

"N-Never mind." Ami sighed. "It seems some things never  
change. Maybe I'll just catch up on my reading for a while  
instead..."

"Ooh, can I join you! I'm already naked!" Tom exclaimed.

"Huh?" Ami blinked as Joel yanked Tom away from the Hexfield.  
"Don't mind him, he's just suffering from fanfic lag." Joel explained.

"Oh. Well, it was nice talking with you guys, but I'd better get  
back to the village and tend to my patients..." Ami said.

"OK, sorry we couldn't be more help! Good luck to you!" Joel  
apologized with a smile.

"Thanks, you too! Good luck to both of us!" Ami replied with a  
smile of her own as the Hexfield viewscreen drew to a close.

"Wow, you know, suddenly I don't feel so alone in this vast  
little universe of ours..." Tom said wistfully.

"Billions and billions of Senshi..." Crow added in his best Carl  
Sagan.

"Makes you think, don't it?" Joel nodded.

The trio spent a long moment staring out the window of the  
Satellite before Joel noticed the red light flashing on the counter.  
and gave it a quick press.

"What do YOU think, sirs?"

* * *

MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER MSTING UNIVERSE JUST AROUND  
THE CORNER...

* * *

\---Deep Thirteen 

"Oh, I think you and your little friends will be seeing dear Ami  
again before you know it, Mike..." Dr. Forrester chuckled evily as  
the camera panned down to a chess board with a lone white king on  
one side; a black pawn and knight flanking a black king on the  
other side.

He casually moved the white king forward one square. Then,  
with a few quick flicks of his finger, he tipped over all three black  
pieces, one by one, saving the king for last. As it rolled along the  
board, Dr. F looked up at the camera with a smug grin on his face.

"Check and mate, Nelson. Frank, press the Ruy Lopez."

"Just a sec, Dr. F, I'm watching Stewart pitch it over to  
Colbert. How do they expect to be believable when the Daily Show is  
so blatantly left while Colbert is supposed to be righty?"

Dr. F snatched the remaining king from the board and beaned Frank  
in the head with it. As Frank slowly slid to the floor, he showed his  
dedication by hitting his button on the way down.

\--POOF!-- 

"That's called a sacrifice, Frank."

 

..AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games 'The Medical  
Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon, our Let's Play of 'Les Manley:  
Search for the King', along with a few other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to thank  
each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me throughout the years. I  
treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great  
honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and  
tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you,  
thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to  
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema 3001' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' Pt. 1-3 (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
\- '12 Months and a Year' (Street Fighter)  
\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of my Hopes' Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

Finally, I'd like to once again thank My Interests for writing 'The  
Adventures of Captain Yaten' and giving me a lot of material to work  
with. I hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :)

 

>Ami looked over to see the pirate ship had docked on an island. "How  
>can we ever get to it and save the others?"  
>  
>Taiki lowered Ami off of his horse. "That's none of my concern." He  
>then rode off, leaving Ami behind.

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations  
are trademarks of and (c) 2010, 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights  
reserved.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


End file.
